Je suis Miow

Writing In - Re post of my previous note

2011-10-31T21:45:00.000+08:00

This is how I normally start off with my thoughts - it's been a while since I last blogged about what's happening in my life. To a certain extend I wonder if I've grown out of the fancy writing and flowery description.

Many things happened round the clock.. In and out. The dependency of blogging started with the urge to try blabber bout what's on my mind.

The magical journey began with curiosity. Middled with negativity postings of unhappy moments and slowly I was off to the road of happily ever after. I hardly blogged bout my sadness or my happiness. I just stopped talking bout them.

The pain is still vivid as if my wounds were still fresh. Was it the numbness that caused the pain or I hadn't been struck with full trauma? I could still feel. Painstakingly aware of whats happening.

I could see blood as I unwrap my hand with the over used table cloth. Infections, I thought to myself. The open wound with tissues and warm blood oozing slowly. Crap! There goes my date! I turned my hand and gave it a good check. A split in the middle finger overseeing the view of my bone. Awesome, now rings would look crappy on me. My ring finger with a chunk of meat off hanging and the nail looked as if it would look better off. Double crap! What the heck happened again?

I guess I was a little too calm. From this, I learned a few and appreciates more. 1: always cry out in pain and make the world look your way! Yes, get that attention. Perhaps someone would have a better way to the traumatic situation. 2: I am too calm for my own good. 3: I have high pain threshold makes it no problem to squeeze a head out of my private. 4: I love all gory and have no problem looking at the stitches - am somehow fascinated by the one suture from one side of the meat adhering back together with the nail. 5: I have no self restraint for eggs and old wives tale - I had peanut butter thr next day out of ward. 6: My mom actually finds me kinda kewl - she was the first person to know only after I checked in at emergency. Went for xray then called her. I must admit it was difficult not to make her worry. I didn't tell her bout the split. 7: never to call my bf with a calm voice. He for a moment thought it was a big fat joke. 8: I could still cam whore my finger.... 9: I have great colleagues who stood by me. 10: they even came to visit me the next day and helped parked my home. It's difficult to come by that nowadays colleagues are more than workmates - they became my buddies. 11: Clara is still my ever best buddy too. She came and visit me the next day despite her busy schedule. 12: Ewen is a dear too 13: I'm blessed for whatever.

To top it all, I wasn't that depressed bout the incident except The fact I couldn't go to work. It's a bless to have good people that makes you crave for work - besides the passion!

The thought that counts don't always get accounted for

2011-05-09T11:08:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was Mother’s day and it was a little unpleasant to start off with. You know how people say it’s the thought that counts that is important? Well, I’d like to see it as JUST a comforting statement. And I doubt it applies when it comes to family dinners. Mother’s day celebration is the only day that comes in once a year – not to mention we were suppose to dine happy but we were also suppose to understand that the dinner is a no rush situation. Unfortunately, sometimes trouble finds its way with uncertainty.

My sister’s bf mother called in last minute wanting to dine with all her sons. I get that. It’s natural (so to say a little last minute – was it her sons that never expected to have dinner with her till she initiates it? Or it’s the fault of my sister who clearly didn’t mention having dinner with us at 6.4pm YET they were planning dinner at 8pm? Either way I don’t get it – either way I’m sure she never thought of it as a problem)

We made reservations at 6.45pm, they have another dinner at 8pm – mom asked them to leave at 7.30pm. I had all the reasons to be upset. It totally felt like a sit down – order our food – before the food arrived – hey guess what! We have to leave, Mom – bye!!

I get it that sometimes it’s a little difficult to juggle between your own mother and your boyfriend’s mother. If that’s the case – plan properly. I do understand that everyone is birth by their mother and the importance of being together for family dinner.

Certainly, I was more than just a little upset. Upset against someone who claims adult but clearly still having trouble laying out the plans properly. And worse scenario of all – why can’t her bf have dinner with his own mom while she have dinner with her own family? It’s not like she’s married and she’s bound by all the Chinese custom to have dinner with his family. It’s just this one dinner not counting the yearly reunion dinner that they take their dinner separately.

One has to know me to understand why it upsets me. My mother is the jewel of my heart and I prioritize her more than anything else and I do expect my siblings take it from there to prioritize her as much as I do. After all, we’ve only got one mom. I’m sorry if I was a little blunt with my words – but I don’t believe in beating around the bushes. Besides, I with a little low down tone will not make a difference. One can have love 365 days round the clock till they die. But one’s mother ages and won’t stay there 365 days forever.

At the end of the day – she didn’t stay for dinner but we did manage to patch things up. But I’m not hoping for another scenario as such.

21st April 2011: Soaking Ted

2011-05-06T00:05:00.000+08:00

Long forgotten that I have a tendency to play with words and spread my thoughts across spaces and blogs. Tonight, this is me trying to bring out the demure side of me by typing or note a two.

Coming to 2 months working at the hotel and its definitely a love and hate relationship. First hate - rainy days. Walking to and back from work is a hassle on rainy days. I either get to start my day wet or feel frustrated that I've showered clean and wrapped up in my trendy raincoat YET my feet is soaking ted with dirt water! Hate two - I notice my calves been getting bulkier. Soon enough; I'd probably turn into Ms Hulk from the kitchen. Hate three - people always expect me to finish off their duties before mine. As if mine was never important.

Love - production is way better than buffet. But come to think of it, buffet is way much easier task. I don't miss it because every now and then, duty still calls for me. I wonder why.

Early of this month, I no longer belong to buffet. Instead I've been picking up pieces where someone else left off and handling full production for the hotel's cake shop. Yes, its just me and I. One person handling a total of 18 products that comes with 20 + insertions. They don't understand why my work is never ending. I don't get it why the previous girl had so laid back days.

On certain days, I hate working when my pastry chef is around. He dictates whatever I do. He's a pest. But he managed to say something meaningful for once. The power of creating and perfecting from the very basics. If we take the highway, this is what we would do till our glory days. True. Some days, this job is just like a job with endless quota to meet. I'm just there to do it and get done with it. Its like a mad race which never ends. I totally missed the importance of getting every single detail right before I proceed. I lost my edge for being fussy over quality control. He's right. I needed that accuracy.

I was actually seeking for a new job. A place that offers more endless possibilities to cake art but my current colleague sealed the job. The interviewer questioned my determination to stay within a company - I guess that's why I didn't get the job despite my burning passion for cake art. She on the other hand - was the "some one else" I mentioned earlier that handover her deli duties and I took over. She didn't teach well and there's many short cuts towards the quality of the cake. I was to blame for not questioning and following her trail. Initially, I felt a little blue. But why should I? Feeling blue because I didn't get the job and someone else who starts the foundation sleazy but has better experience got it? That wasn't my shame.

Shame on me for even trying to jump when I should have crawled. So, focus focus. Stay in the loop. I don't need to follow what's already imperfect. The power is in my hand - to create the beauty of perfection.

27th Jan 2011: The Difference

2011-05-06T00:03:00.000+08:00

It's like a chant when they say everything happens for a reason. Did it happen for better or for worse is not entirely up to us to decide. Dreams make gives us the urge to pursue.

Dreams gives us the hope to endure and explore. But dreams could break us in two or turn us into a different person. Dreams could tie the power to stay strong but could also turn either one of away. Dreams can makes us understand or become irrelevant.

Now everything happens for a reason. How to make if happen? How to avoid it from happening? What is if going to be? Make sure you are not too busy to feel the difference. Everything happens for a reason.

A day worth writing about

2011-01-18T01:04:00.001+08:00

It’s been 25 days since I’ve been back home. Busy baking as usual and sending out resume to hotels. At my age and what I’ve gained back after 9 months @ Thailand – it seems unbelievable that I’d be able to start afresh like a mint with a low cut salary on my throat (this is not the typical mind set I placed against my beliefs; it’s how the Chefs from the exquisite hotels would think of me)

But what the heck! I have a passion and a dream that’s bigger than my size (I do admit that I’ve been blooming a bit from all the tasting – being a guinea pig of my own creation and from all the savory lures out at the locals). So, as I was saying – I decided to just send out my resume and see if I get picked like a fresh vegetable lying on market bench. I was lucky because friends did their best to recommend me to someone they know from the hotel line. I also went from casual to desperate and was asking around for references to send my resume. My gratitude goes to Charlie, Andy and Chiao Yen. They gave me pointers and set me up for interviews! So from being a lying fresh vegetable – I was actually picked and recommended. How very thoughtful!
I sent out my resume to Chef N without knowing the fact that he’s the head of pastry chef at R hotel. He replied the next day and asked me to come in for a probable interview. I was overjoyed and confused with the word “probable”.

Before I knew it, Chef N called me up and told me to revise my CV. There was this word he didn’t quite fancy. I wrote “I am also known to be very reliable even when I am given ridiculous amount of deadlines and work”. I guess the fancy writing got the better of me. In actual fact, the phone signal was bad and I thought he was mocking me for having a bad CV. Still, I kept quiet and replied every single question he asked (after all, he is the head of pastry chef) He questioned where I got his email from and why the sudden change in my life – from beauty to pastries.
Simple – just a passion that I hadn’t gotten my shot at because my mom thought females should have proper hands like princess (soft and smooth). Once rejected and she finds no reason to reject me further when I brought it up the second time (already a decade after my first attempt).

After the phone conversation with Chef N, I revised my CV and sent in a few pictures of my creations. The next reply came in with the following statement – come in for an informal interview before I send your resume to the HR.

By now, my imaginations were clearly running wild. For the amount of bad chaps I’ve met – I thought something was fishy with the words. What’s not clear about the whole CV? Yet, I still went for the interview. My other gratitude goes to Ewie. He made time to pick me and put me there for the interview in time. So, it went on from there. I was relieved when I knew I was meeting Chef N at the coffee house (hanky panky imaginations gone). We sat down and discuss about further with work expectations and he told me that I had to go an online test before he could decide if I’m fit for this position.

So I spend half hour chatting with Chef N. The next 15 minutes around the production area. And the next hour on the online attitude test (in which if I fail – I am not able to work for the group and test re sit would take another 6 months). Additional 20 minutes with the HR manager for the probable interview that turned official. Last 20 minutes being test by Chef N on pastries theory (I used to think that Chefs may just be somehow good at practical and shallow at some areas – now it’s time to think twice). He is impressive.

What’s more impressive is – the last 20 minutes was just a beginning. I was invited to have lunch with him. We had lunch and talked further. We talked about competitions and there’s one coming up in September. I’m lucky; (if the Chef meant what he said) – I’d be trained for the coming pastry competition in cakes category. In conclusion - I’m happy. Happier when confirmation comes in.

Love and Hate Chocolate is Over

2010-12-19T09:51:00.005+08:00

17th Dec 2010 - Finally, I’m home in one piece after a 5 hour strenuous cake examination. If you think this is over – well it’s certainly not YET. There’s still another 5 hours of sugar arts examination to go. I am seriously washed out but decided to sit in front of my laptop and get my words together before I lose the writing spirit. I can’t sleep or stand properly right now – it must have been the tension that I’m feeling hemorrhoid. Stress, lack of sleep (I only slept for 4 hours), lack of water consumption and intestinal butterflies turned me into a patient.

I apologize for dragging on my medical condition. Seems, I couldn’t stay right on the track. I’ve got so much going out in my head. After 8 months from picking up pieces in basic till now. I’m seriously glad that this is all coming to an end. Although I must admit that the education was a gem; the examinations and anticipation is pure torture. I’d like to take a break from all the butterfly knots if I could.

The 5 hour cake exam – you must be wondering why it would take 5 hour. Don’t ask me – I wonder too. But as a participant to the exam – the hours we put in is never enough. There is no time for mistakes. No time for wondering. No time for what ifs. For this exam, we were all given one recipe (same recipe) that we have never done before (of course, techniques that we’ve been trained for would apply) and to draw a draft of our cake with details (this is something I find the need to mention – after having a better look at the drafts around me; I realized that many people just gave a sloppy draft “just in case” anything goes wrong – it’s not stated and we could still manage to change it) and i thought to myself - how stupid of me for being so precise. Having said so; I was not one of them (definitely). I just followed the rules; not an all timer obedient girl but just someone who wants to push her maximum and see if she is fit for this game. So I handed a detail drawing of my cake.

19th Dec 2010 - After the entire exam; I was pleased that I managed to present almost “exact” to what I had in mind. Except for some chocolate measurement or movement (which I hadn’t practiced prior to the examination because I didn’t bother getting the mold) In short, tempering chocolate is still my jinx. I have a hate and love relationship with the temperamental chocolate. But I’m glad the first exam is all over. Now, tomorrow is my final exam. Wish me lots of luck! I don't see myself as the next born talented girl. But surely someone who doesnt give up on what I want to achieve.

For the first six months - all the training just made me felt like a piece of shit. I felt I was never good enough (not that I'm aware that this has changed). I just know I can be better. I was always pushing myself to the brink and making sure I did a good job that NOT what the chefs praise me. It's about I did a good job that I felt I'm proud of myself.

Memory lane moment:

First exam - I managed to draw an easy recipe that turned out to be most simplest and disastrous. I could have just failed by the minute if I hadn't presents my tart in time with a basic foncage.

Second exam - was surprised at the speed I went. There were still mistakes here and there but I managed to turn it around with some common sense. I finished first in class - but I didn't feel awesome about it.

Third exam - Time was still running out and never enough. I wasn't late. My cake was up to how I drew it but not exact on display chocolate porpotion. I did went through a little hell with the chocolate tempering. But at the end; I had many people praising me and the chef thought part of my cake design was impressive (in a way). I felt good about myself.

Fourth exam - Conclusion will be out tomorrow.

Once bitten twice swollen!

2010-12-10T00:01:00.001+08:00

As said, humans are always unique in their very own way. This theory applies to mosquitoes as well (yeah, you heard me right). Mozzies – the mosquitoes in Malaysia are cunning. They fly fast and it’s harder to hit them dead. The mosquitoes in Thailand are less smart and easy to kill with the smack of my palm. But every demerit comes with a merit or vice versa. Malaysia mozzies are content within one feast. The ones in Thailand is utmost greedy and feeds on you until they are too heavy to fly. In case you’re wondering if I made this up – hell no. I am serious. This is a fact.

I'll be home for Christmas

2010-12-07T23:26:00.001+08:00

It will be eighteen days till I’m officially leaving this country and back to my comfort zone for the moment (till I decide what’s next on the list). At the moment, home is the blue-ribbon of my choice. It’s been give and take 8-9 months in Thailand. You know, just as I know I’m leaving this country soon; I’m starting to miss it a little. I’m sure going to miss my favorite local food here. Some of the food here reminds me of home; others make me question why I’ve never had it before back at home. For instance, I’d miss the steam chicken rice, Thai papaya salad, Pad Thai, Roasted pork rice and so much more! Did I mention the difference with the roasted pork rice they have here compared to our country? Well, they did lots of gravy on the rice. I’m not a big fan of wet rice so I’d usually keep it on the side instead of having it toppled directly over my rice.

It felt like just yesterday when I stepped foot in this country with a rising political havoc. The armies were everywhere when I took my daily rides with the sky train. I wasn’t familiar with the surrounding and spoke none of the language at all. I still don’t speak the language but I picked up a few sentences that get me through the day. The old place I was staying is a rip off. The electricity bills were often so high compared to the lush place I’m renting now – air conditioner is much more affordable. Did I mention how glad I’ve been ever since I moved away from Saphan Taksin’s boring neighborhood town to the hustle bustle town? I love the fact that I could spend hours and hours at my favorite book shop within 2 stations away. Living here can be cheap if you’re a thrifty spender. At other cost; everything is money. Did I mention I slugged my luggage of 12 kg during after office hours and sardine in the sky train and airport link – just so I could spend 22 + 15 baht on my transport?

Seriously, after months here – I finally came to my senses that it was an experience quite of a lifetime. Not the one that makes my entire life so memorable but would be a piece of it. The months of meeting different people, events, learning to work with different people, facing issues, facing emotions of being alone, feeling crappy when I felt I wasn’t doing a good job & pushing myself so hard at all times, feeling lucky at some other days, meeting nice people that helped me along the way, not to mention the crazy people that you can’t pretend you don’t know them – it’s all one package. Well, if I could handpick my package – I’d definitely load up on the joy and throw away more of the sorrows.

But all in short – how I made it through these few months – keeping focused to what I want & what I’m here for. Thank god - I’ve got my friends and family. Their love kept me alive throughout these few months. People walked in and out to make sure I was doing alright. They kept me company throughout these few months. I’m so blessed to have them in my life. The appreciation and gratitude is so deep that I could not express just with words or action. Thank you.

A wonder with the clouds, colors and components

2010-11-26T19:55:00.002+08:00

Okay, I’m in the mood for some serious doodling self talk therapy. Talking has taken a whole new twist – five years ago, I was more religious with this whole self talk therapy. Well, it’s not that I don’t enjoy it now. I’m just getting better and better facing through daily rituals and forgetting to pen them in here. Geez, I guess I found a new technique to punch the bag; perhaps it’s the keeping in the lungs technique?

Great, so where should I start? What’s new with my life? As a matter of fact – nothing is new. Everything seemed to have fallen in place for me after the past 8 months – struggling with the language barrier, very convenient transportation yet not as how my four little wheels take me, the same boring hag who wore nothing but uniform and shorts during & after baking hours, the PPS addict who sits on her bed till her leg cramps, food was always boring – on fancy days I do splurge on my meals and what else? Don’t get me wrong – I’m not complaining. I’ve already accepted and gotten way over that. Besides its only one month till I’m home – god knows when is my next destination? Did I mention I was offered to Paris? Ooo la la, isn’t it? Yeah, I know all that. I’m still that girl who loves her baking as much as she loves her bags. Not just bags; even trinkets does the trick at TIMES.

So, I’ve been doing some heavy thinking. Now that I’m almost done with being in Bangkok; I’m actually standing at cross roads. I’ve got this thing going on – American versus French style. Most people wouldn’t understand why I’ve got this going on in my head. French would be very tasteful. Mostly mousse (not whip cream but it taste more like .. ice cream) and normally takes about 5 components as a starter to make just one elegant cake – that does not include decorations with all the sugar bubbles or tempered chocolate decorations and such. One could go forever with the decorations. The list goes on and it’s so challenging with all the tempered chocolate, chocolate transfer sheets, tile biscuits, caramel, sugar rocks, sugar bubbles, spun sugar and etc. American is slightly straighter forward (in my understanding only). Decorations gets the main spot light, colors are always bright and inviting, figurines would always make someone go “Wow”, royal icing piping would be delicate and forever and so the list goes on too. The main concern is – what does majority dig? In France, baguette is like bread from god. While some of us might find it rather disturbing to chew on it. If I’m going to take my shot at Paris – I know for sure it would open up my horizon for French cakes. Have I mentioned anything with a fancy French name and going to make me weak on my knees?

But I’m also a great sucker for colors and figurines. My patience is better when I’m sitting on my chair and figuring how to make a figurine. I’m stuck. I don’t want to get the best of both worlds. I need to focus on one because I hadn’t got that much focus left in me. So, which is better? Should I set my heart on colors or components?

Little Red Riding Hood & The Wolf

2010-11-03T18:00:00.001+08:00

How things relate from one to another.

"I seriously have to respect her in a sarcastic way. I've never seen anyone who thinks she's right and more talented in any other way".

It was pointed out to me that this was also considered as bad mouthing. I have to get this off my chest and straighten a few things. I seriously do respect her in a way that she's got the guts. I may not agree but I find humor in it that I literally "respects" her. She thinks she's always right and I know what's on your mind (you're going to say look at the kettle calling the teapot FAT!) ... I know what a bitch I am for always giving out my piece of mind. But I do take the time and listen. She don't.

I know that because I tried to make slip my words in the conversation but I never get my sentences finished. She's so funny - I don't know what is the right thing to do. I've also never seen someone who compliments her own work, mind and soul exceeding the normal standard. I can relate that its a good way to comfort self mind. Too much can be quite hard to digest; especially for others.

My understanding of bad mouthing is putting a label along with a perception or point of view against someone. Voicing out action and bad mouthing is two different situations. Labels are negative description. Truth is - I ain't labeling the lady I was talking about. I mentioned her facts with displease because I physically know that person and I'm not assuming. I'm voicing out based on my experience with her.

Second thing I'd like to throw the anchor on - its not bout how I'm defending the helpless Little Red Riding Hood. Its how the wolf suddenly seemed to be evil.

Funny, when people go all out to check out on someone else's profile - they call it accidentally or bumped upon. Certainly, there is an amount of curiosity. The curiosity that was stirred by few possibilities - to know better in order to befriend or defeat / lack of confidence of one self / suspicious against others.

I can't relate to the term "agree to disagree". As a matter of fact - I don't understand. What I do know is - this shouldn't get to me further. There's no end and it's ugly. I don't like it and I can't do much about it. Funny, how some things are said and the impression is there to pin. Funny, how some things are said but it's not suppose to mean that way. Funny, how some people would quote another scenario just to prove you wrong. Funny.

The Gossip Girl

2010-10-27T17:01:00.001+08:00

People always say it’s a fact if you’re hard working and others would acknowledge – BUT – it’s never a good thing if others seen the hard work you’ve done and try to fan you in the other direction; a direction against the people you’re in a team with. Let me get this clearer – I don’t give a shit when it comes to gossips. If I don’t like someone – I’d tell them directly. I’d tell them what I think and if people misunderstand my words or actions; I’d clarify. I never clarify if I’m sure that I’m already the devil etched in the mind. Defeats the whole purpose trying too hard to tell them what exactly is on my mind because “they” won’t get it. People would just think that we try too hard trying to make believe.

My principle is easy. Forget it if you expect me to lift you up so that you can see highly of yourself. My praise is valuable. Forget it if you expect to gossip me about others. If I’m unhappy about that particular person – I’d tell him/her. Don’t come up to me and talk about someone that is not worthy of my time. I simply don’t give a damn.

Gossip is contagious. Regardless of whether you kept quiet or voiced out your piece of mind. When it comes for you – walk away from it. I’m surprised that “someone” actually notices that I come up with shit excuses to literally escape from gossips. Boy, should I be happy or what?

Beaches, Booze and Bubu

2010-10-26T11:15:00.002+08:00

16th Oct 2010

There I was standing on the beach. Enjoying the moment of mother nature's waves. The somehow calming tune turned to angry echoes. As I stood there gazing beyond the sea, the sentimental side of me took me away. For a moment I was physically and emotionally quiet. I was reminded of the hurt that the waves caused to every other of us that lost their loved ones to this cruel nature.

Confused - waves that seemed like ripples in the stream. But killer in the sea. Some how so contradicting - calming and angry. The sand under my feet reminds me of how fragile life is.

Booze were an addition I'd never understand in combination with the beach. Someone told me that it's not an everyday situation - so why not? I guess - there's many things in life which is not an everyday situation. It all boils down to preference.

I'd rather wake up late, enjoy a big brunch and lay my tummy flat to roast myself a little, a good book would be perfect with (okay now this is where the booze comes in) my favorite drink & a cherry on top. But, nothing beats the company.

Someone to share a thought or two and talk about anything under the stars. Someone that don't require you to think twice of what to say and wonder why the privilege when it comes to choice of words is never in your say.

Bubu is never good with mother's nature. She's not someone who appreciates sand on her bed. But she's someone who appreciates how the sand reminds her of life and to be grateful

she's still in one piece.

My moment goes to those who lost their loved ones and those who made their way back to where it all started

Introvert in a nutshell?

2010-10-05T18:25:00.001+08:00

Weird - A question that gave me a good thinking. Am I an introvert? Too lazy to bother? Rather not than hassle or a loner? Well, the question didn't come in that way but a mate of mine suggested lunch when the demo finished and I'm all changed & ready to charge out of this menace to feed my angry and howling tummy. And when she went like - don't you want to join any of your FRIENDS?

Well, friends is certainly how she could go describing the other mates because they do hang out a lot. They talk and share in the same language. What I mean is - I do take them as a friendly acquaintance. But the feeling is really shallow on the top. When I try make a conversation - it partially dies out because of the language barrier. When there's more than 2 Thais in the conversation - I hardly hear English or understood a word. So weird, I begin to wonder if me and my friends always talk in our language in front of a foreigner - would he/she be so willing to hang out with us all the time?

I am a little offended. Just a little. Talk to one Thai for a day - they'd probably try to mingle and talk in English. Mingle long enough with a few - they'd forget you're a foreigner.

There's a solution to that - I could pick up the language. A little late for the remaining 3 months here. Good just to act as if I'd so want to mingle along. My main problem is - I'm not a person who gets attached easily to places and people in which I know - won't last for so long.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm always so misunderstood but on the other hand - Hey, it's not compulsory to make friends with everyone, right?

Feeling like a million!

2010-10-05T11:09:00.002+08:00

4th October 2010: Feeling like a million beats nothing in the world. I managed to present my cake before time. I was finally putting my knowledge and senses in my cake. There was a flop or two while assembling the exam cake but overall - I feel so proud of myself. I was certain that I am going to pass (let's not hope for being the best). Yeap, I do think that I need to practise more to increase that confidence level of mine. Congratulations to me!

Puppy in the drain wondering - dog or die?

2010-08-23T23:33:00.001+08:00

Today, I am spelling frustration on my forehead. I feel frustrated for my incompetence & speed. Why am I being compared with another being when I was here only to do learn, do my part and perform my best on the projects I am given? And yes, it is without a single doubt that he is much faster than I am. I maybe more reserved and careful with every of my project. But that don’t make me less creative. I guess there’s nothing to compare because some people are just naturally born to bake while others are not? Is there any sense in that?

I’m not a person who is ever full of luck. Most things in my life require a sprinkle of drama, a dash of perseverance, ample of patience and heaps of hard work. I’ve never acquire any skills overnight as if I was born to do something. I’m not a girl with magic hands and works wonder with it. I’m a practice makes perfect kind girl. By saying this, I felt awful because I hadn’t been able to practice at all. I’m always at war with my daily project and learning but I’m never able to do it twice.

Sometimes I suck because I can never win against predicaments; predicaments such as having unpleasant people “hanging” around your daily current life. These unpleasant people are referred as PEST. These pests are always there unintentionally to bust our happy cells and make us unpleasant. Mind you, they are unaware of their own ability. They didn’t bust my day with a mission. I hate them – they remind me of the moon walkers during broad day light on a human flooded street.

I feel bad today. Obviously, it’s not the first time I felt bad for my incompetence. It’s like a big question mark in my head. I do think I did well. Not entirely super fantastic. But within time and practice, I’d be great and better. I know that but I still can’t help to let people bring me down like a helpless puppy in the drain looking all dirty and wondering if I’d ever grow to be a dog or just die helplessly in the drain.

I don’t want to die. I’m too young for that. I have many plans ahead and I do have many things in which I’d like to accomplish. I know I can’t be a Jane in all traits. And I don’t want to be Jane. I want to be Marina. I’ve got a 2 year plan all lay out but if I keep feeling like a helpless puppy – I’d be gone in 2 months time.

God - Lord – Universal – whatever that maybe – please.. Give me the strength to carry on and make my dream come true! I don’t want a lot of things in life. I can live without and lose it. But not this, I’d like to reserve this passion of mine.

The real deal behind "Lucky"

2010-08-17T01:32:00.001+08:00

I was searching high and low for the perfect scale. The perfect weighing scale that would hold up to 5kg and nothing less - preferable with a On & Off button and a tare mode separately. I need something that doesn’t go under auto battery saving mode. I hate it when my scale goes off on its own especially when I’m just in the midst of getting my ingredients weighed. Sometimes I’m just short of 3 grams and have I mentioned that I’m a Virgo? You’d see why I’d go pick up my remaining 3 grams!

So the hunt for the perfect scale went on because the prices were either too expensive. Or the function does not match the price tag. Every other day just when I’m looking for my perfect scale – it doesn’t happen. The one that I’m using at home is nothing fancy and goes auto shut down even if the scale don’t read zero. How weird! So, when Preaw mentioned she got hers for only 300 baht – I felt lucky! Lucky because it was cheap – I’ve always been a sucker for cheap deals. I felt lucky because it came in handy (Kam got an extra to sell) and further more Preaw doesn’t seem to have much complain with her scale (She brings her own scale everyday). I thought I hit the jack pot!

Ya, I did hit the jack pot. But not with my luck tho’. I hit the jack pot with a burn on my lower arm. Now it’s blistered. And I had a cut from god know where on my ring finger. And all that accident is just related to my right hand. What a bummer! Did I mention I lost my fork too? I wonder who took it. So, all that crap happened in just one day – but I’m still smiling. So much for being lucky!

Count your blessings

2010-08-08T16:22:00.000+08:00

Just when you think there isn’t, someone would come along and prove you wrong. Someone pricked my yesterday and blew off my happy candle that lit up the fury in me. I played blame game last night and allowed my emotions to fluctuate as it wishes. I wanted to cry and I wondered if it’s okay to cry. Before I went to sleep, I asked if there is actually good people in this world that comes into your life and lift you from where you fall without asking for anything. I slept at 3 am on 7th August 2010.

On 8th August 2010 – I woke up at 9 am; having a slight headache because I slept so late last night. I told myself that today is going to be a quiet day. I’m going to wash my laundry. Pick up my lunch and come back to where I belong. Slack on the bed with a good book and kick start my Sunday.

What happened in the end – I didn’t not kick start my day on the bed. I woke up at 9 am. Head down to a local duck rice shop, ordered a chicken fried with garlic and topped over rice + an orange juice and patiently waited for my food. A lady from the next table – gave up her seat to 3 young girls and asked me if it’s okay to sit on my table. She spoke to me in Thai which clearly I don’t comprehend. So I told her I’m not Thai …. then the weirdest event in my life happened. She spoke in fluent English and kept chatting with me. She asked me where I’m from and taught me where to visit if I’m alone. And we kept chatting and chatting – meanwhile she ordered an extra plate of fried vegetable to share with me. When we were done, she said “We could go get a ride at Chao Praya River”. She insists on paying for my lunch and said I could pay for dessert later.

For most people; they would start wondering if this old lady at the age of 67 years old would be a kidnapper of some sort. Or maybe she belongs to a kidnapping group that lures single girls like me to accompany her and then bring her to somewhere. I don’t know. I felt bad if I just rejected her sweet offer. So I threw my judgment on one side and told her sure.

She insists we go “dutch” on boat fares. We traveled half an hour to Phra Arthrit Pier and we got off and walked to Banglampoo and Khao San. We waited in line for the famous sweet banana & sweet potato covered with honey and served with salty coconut gravy. Imagine this, 20 min in line and we only managed to buy the last lot in the basket.

Next, the plan was to try out a famous “Bok Kia” dessert. We could choose what we want to be served in our little bowl. And I choose the mini “bak chang” glutinous dumplings, glutinous “mouse tail” noodle that has to be boiled before serving, grass jelly, lotus seed, ice and cane sugar. There’s just so much food that I could only take. And I’m already starting to burst.

She told me where to get the great beef noodles, yong tau foo, roti and much more. And the best thing of all, did I mention she speaks Cantonese? Just when I thought people like this don’t exist anymore. I’d probably want to count my blessings. She said the exact thing “count your blessings”. She felt it was a coincidence to have sat next to me, to chat and travel on a day dessert trip. She made sure I arrived safely back at the bus station where I live. She made sure the sun is out of my head with her umbrella. She made sure I crossed the road. She didn’t allow me to pay for anything!

I came home in one piece. We exchanged numbers. I felt pleasant.

Learning to love the rain

2010-08-05T19:30:00.001+08:00

For the first time in my entire life. I've begin to accept life as it is with more acceptance. I'd normally take it with a pinch of salt but as of lately; I took it with a smile in my heart. I'm not too sure where the positive vibes are coming from. Somehow, I feel less cranky - so to speak a more laid back person.

Today is actually a very special day. One of the greatest despite numbness from waist under (too much of afternoon shopping) + spending some time at Kinokuniya bookstore. Today, for the first time - I rolled my sleeves down (rain jacket medium length), removed my soles (placed it in the paper bag along with 4 books) ... I walked under the rain embracing nature under my sole. I felt the rain in my face. Within seconds, my knees were drenched wet. For once, I don't hate the rain for glooming my day. For once, I don't blame the rain for keeping me in.

For once, I felt it all changing. I will continue to believe it is changing. Something is happening - be it tiny or huge. Have you reminded yourself to love you? I did.

Scum bags & Rain & Lizzard! What else?

2010-07-27T02:39:00.003+08:00

Initially I thought there's only 2 reason to hate living in Bangkok. But I guess; there's more.

Reason 1: It's always raining during summer. My attire's been hanging there for the whole afternoon and it's hardly dried an inch then the miserable rain came to pour and dampen it.

Reason 2: Taxi drivers are scum bags. Whenever it's rainy or when you're in a "poor little you" condition - they try to take advantage of the situation. Today, I met the worst of the lot. The taxi driver tried to make me pay 150 baht for a journey of 50 baht. He didn't want to use the meter and it was pouring heavily. Then, he tried to advise me to be seated in the front - telling me some grandfather reason that the police might stop the car. I'm like WTF? I've been here for so many months and this is one of the lamest excuse ever! What was he trying to do? Molest me or have a good peek at my boobs because I didn't pay him what he wanted to dig out of me?

Reason 3: Still taxi drivers - scum bags or talk too much can't stand it bags. Some of these taxi drivers try to dig to much info out of me! They always start like are you working here or etc bullshit. I don't need that crap. Go find a tourist somewhere else!

Reason 4: New rainboots + raincoats sitting in my room. I came out on a perfectly sunny afternoon and it poured like crazy during the evening hours! C-R-A-Z-Y!

Reason 5: I found a gecko on my wall last night and I shooed it away. Yet, it's still hanging around! I don't bias gecko or lizzard or whatever you call them. But I don't fancy seeing them when I'm in such a rut day. Oh man. Give me a break!

Confidence taste like chilli to my palate

2010-06-28T00:01:00.001+08:00

Tonight somehow feels different. I was experiencing an unbelievable rotten yester-day. Last night, I am this pathetic scared woman who needs answers. This morning I woke up at 6.30am - still in rage that the questions were not quite answered and certainties never existed. I was blown off and baffled for my emotional ups & down. I was in absolute craziness. I wanted to cry. I had to cry. I cried and just when I thought there’s nobody left to talk to. I found the perfect solution to my craziness. I typed. The typing went on and on and circled around my fear; the fear that’s pushing me to the heights and also drowning myself in utterly grey clouds. I was just being pathetic because I was standing in between with certainty and uncertain. The naked truth is somehow not always the truth. People tell us possibilities – we calculate the risk & negativity – or it could be the other way round. That is just a common ritual.

I believe I could and I want to make it even if I have less belief in me. I don’t give a damn for whether or not I have the confidence. I need to have the confidence. Even if I don’t have it now; I have to figure how to earn and make it stay for good. Confidence is quite a difficult subject to hold on to. It’s nothing like love. It reminds me of the sensation on my palate – the sensation of hot & spicy. You crave for it and you have to pay for the price. Somehow my toleration towards spiciness is quite low on the level.

I decided to get out of the room. I made some room for planned events. I decided to beat the weather before the rain falls on me. I took the common route to the BTS station. It’s only a 10-15 min walk depending on my mood. In the afternoon; it’s just a common main back road with some fish stalls on the side that gives my spine a chill – every time I pass by. I vowed never to walk that route if I was alone when the night falls. I’d normally option for the crowded and busy main road with lots of local food stalls on the side. Tonight – I took the quiet route. It doesn’t smell as much in the evening. I wasn’t bothered by the smell perhaps I was too busy thinking about something else. For once in these 2 months – I was actually walking with ease. It was getting late but I felt connected and safe – am I slowly accepting the fact that I am here with a reason and things would wrap up soon? Or is it just one of those days that I’m more likely to fit in and not complain further with all the inconvenience I go through? By the way – A day at Ebuli is a heavy book to carry home. Did I mentioned it rained after I got home?

Making a difference

2010-06-22T22:13:00.000+08:00

It’s finally hitting on me. The weight has always been a stagnant note – not quite an issue for me. I enjoyed my daily dose of sugar, chocolate and desserts and people always ask me how I manage to be (in their eyes) slim. Slim is not your best friend if age is calling up on a middle note.

Oh hell yea, my age is ringing on the middle! Now since I couldn’t celebrate my birthday or anyone else’s birthday this year. I might as well plan for the next year when I finally hit the note.

And how could I avoid sugary intakes? It’s a part of me. It’s a part of my soon to be life. I am aware that as my metabolism fails on me – I’d balloon like a Hot Balloon. You can’t blame that on a Chef wannabe. Shit happens and most of the time – we decide when it happens.

Now, no offence but I’d still love to keep that imaginary silhouette of mine. See, I found myself a yoyo solution – Am going to embark on the Kellogg’s 14 days diet! Let’s just hope that I won’t quit on it.

No offence but .. could you please move?

2010-06-09T20:34:00.003+08:00

Seriously seriously seriously!!! You guys should see the Thai's walk. (No offence - though it doesn't relate to every Thai) I've been here for like near to two months and guess what? Even the ants would speed faster than them. Most of the time; I find them sunday walking during peak hours. They seriously have no idea where they are going! For once; give me someone who walks fast! Gosh!!! Superman really needs to save them. If they were a swarm of bees - it's going to turn into a super bummer bee day! Errk!! Frustrated!

Ugly Little Bella

2010-05-26T14:30:00.001+08:00

Clearly I'm not a fashionista with stacks of brand labels hanging over my body but as of recent I feel: very Bambi. I'm not trying to shun on the cheap buys I'm able to access but I do miss my clothing back at home.

I know this is when people would probably misunderstand me for being such a snob! I'm no snob. Just a Virgo with the air that makes me an alter ego. Mind you; I could run mini errands in my pyjamas.

But I hate wearing the same boring cheap clothings everyday! I need my wardrobe. I miss my not so everyday jewelry. I miss my hurting soles. I miss my everything.

Imagine I was walking around in a fancy cute polka strip top with a knee length white pants paired with a pair of BLUE Croc - a - fake and a FREEBIE jeans bag! Urrrgh! All so wrong! Damn, I miss my bags.

Pure Black

2010-05-19T19:20:00.001+08:00

To certain extent; I must agree that this year is not one of my best years. I knew that obstacles were waiting to make my life a little grey and difficult but I did not give in to uncertainties and I did not heed the advice of soothsayer. I’m not trying to be rude but I don’t believe in spending my whole life taking all the uncertain facts & craps into account. (This is the moment when friends and relative would gather around and say “You should have listened to our advice; it’s way too dangerous”)

I admit I was a little bull headed. I refused to comply that the next intake might be a better idea. I just had one simple vision in mind – pursue my dream by end of 2010. Make my dream a reality by 2011. It was that simple. I’ve always been a fighter. I’d fight for what I want and if I couldn’t achieve it; I’d seek for alternative. I’m not blinded by my stubbornness; just this once – I maybe a little blind.

It’s an experience I’ve never had. It’s an experience my closed ones never had. They had to worry over my safety. I had to worry over my safety. My passport is not with me. Everyone is asking me why. It’s a bloody long story to start off with. But I’m sure everyone has the time. There’s nothing much I could I say but just state “timing & luck”. It’s just not my year. I was told to hand in my passport for some verification with the ministry of education & embassy. They called me to remind me to hand in my passport but when it was ready; they didn’t bother to call me to pick it up. All they gave me was a bloody excuse saying that they couldn’t catch me.

Why the freak do they need to catch me when they could have called or left me a text message? It was as simple as that. They could have checked with my class schedules to see if I was around. But they didn’t! They were just irresponsible and had no idea how important is a passport for foreigners. Given a second choice; knowing that this school is so low on responsible – I would have gone to Orland or Paris; anywhere but here. This is my ultimate disappointment. Chance would be given till end of first semester. If shit persists; that’s it. End of story for Thailand.

I pray that the building is in one piece.

Lifeless in Bangkok

2010-05-16T17:32:00.001+08:00

Good times flies; this statement applies to bad times as well. Tomorrow would be a month after I’ve settled my roots here in Bangkok. I’m glad that my havocs are kept at bay for the moment. Nothing new happened because I did not attempt to try riding another bus and I’m quite informed on the latest news – whether the BTS station is in service. I drank milk coffee last night and I was able to sleep like a baby. It’s not entirely great because my phone card is still a little retard at the moment. I call out to my Thai mates and they tell me the line is inactive in 3 different comfort languages – English, Malay & Chinese. That’s not supposed to happen! The system is supposed to speak Thai!

Minus the fact that I had to wake up just to flush the caffeine out of my system – minus the fact that I suffered from sleep paralysis last night – minus the fact that it’s so bloody stuffy and I’m sweating every night (well this I couldn’t blame much on the weather – it’s just me; I’m just too stingy to feed the electric bills) = last night’s sleep was almost perfect.

The sky is a little grey this morning. For the first time, I loved the fact that it’s going to rain and I cursed at the sun for giving me a little beam. I mentioned that I am not gambling with my luck but in fact I am every single day. This place looks like it’s turning into a plate of spaghetti meatballs; all red and saucy. And I do wonder if my passport would be returned to me by next week and if the embassy is still open? I might as well apply for a multiple entry visa and fly me home while waiting for the war to end.

I spend my afternoon watching the movie Julie & Julia. I am not the least fascinated with the fact it’s based on true story. But the cooking terms made me excited. I loved the part where Julia tried so hard practicing how to slice her onions. I had the same problem with my apples. I’ve never really cooked and I’ve never needed to core, peel or dice an apple or any fruits. But now with Le Cordon; reality seemed a little different. I have to learn how to cut the oranges in the utmost perfect way. The strawberry slices play a vast difference on a tart. I do need more practice with my knife. I have to learn how to chop the walnuts nicely without slicing my fingers and all this is wholesome fun when you fall in love with “Cuire” (the French term for baking or cooking)

The fun would continue when my course commences as per normal. Meanwhile – lifeless.

Love the riot when danger is unforseen!

2010-05-13T17:56:00.000+08:00

13th May 2010:

I woke up at 7am this morning when my practical starts at 12.30! Well give it an hour early as I have rituals to perform. Funny, sometimes my BB don't give me the signal I paid for! One thing to love about this place - Riots!

When you're safe in a nut shell and you're told to evacuate! That's the fun part. I supposedly have a demo after my practical but guess what? I could leave already! Imagine that! Work speed was super fast as we have to get everything baked in time and also to leave in time! Yay!!! I wonder if it's open or closed for tomorrow?

Early bird catches the worm

2010-05-13T17:55:00.000+08:00

12th May 2010:

I was once told that the monks have a certain timing to roam around in Bangkok. I've never took it quite seriously till yesterday morning. I was on my way out to the BTS station for an early demo. My demo starts at 8.30am. On such days, I wake up at 7am. Laze around on my bed and just in time to walk to the BTS station and make 2 stops to the place I need to be. The ritual routine is - get my ass there on time, change into my so professional uniform and get my engines started!

Just a note for those who see the monks in the early morning. I was told that woman are not allowed to touch them and if we see them coming; we have to move aside to make way for them. This applies to the novice and senior monks. I used to love Bangkok a lot. Maybe that's because Siam Paragon was always open and I could do my shopping on weekends.

Keep Focused

2010-05-11T19:55:00.005+08:00

10th May 2010: (Joke of yesterday)

I took a cab home from Sukhimvit after sourcing around for a room for rent. Guess what? The stupid taxi is like a nest for ants! The moment i sat in, i could feel the creepy crawly on my skin! Not the creepy crawly.. those creepies crawlies!!! Oh my farking lad! I wonder how the taxi driver just don't seem to notice it at all??? Damn. So i paid my fare of 60 baht ( i did try to sit still and the ants would gradually get off the cab - but it didn't) I got down the cab and took another one. Damnz.

11th May 2010: (Joke of the day)

I nearly missed the station because i was too busy pondering. Imagine if i missed the station and had exit the next station - i'd missed another exciting 10 mins of my life and start of my day crappy!~

Did i forget to mention that it's bloody hot here in Thailand? I don't understand why is it so expensive for the electricity and water rates here! It's killing me both ways. If i turn on the A/C = i bleed in my wallet. If i save the $$, i'd probably die from heat! Life is certainly better at home. *Ouch* I miss my bed, my aircond that is turned on 24/7, i miss my car - i just miss everything back at home!

Panic Ride

2010-05-11T19:54:00.002+08:00

7th May 2010

I was told that the bus 77 would definitely drop me to where I need to be. And so I was told minus the details. For once, I thought I was getting real lucky. I walked out of my apartment and voila! There it is! The shabby windows down bus 77! My guts told me to get on it and I did. There isn't much time for logic and to much regret.

I felt like a total alien. I don't see the conductor coming to collect money. The route looked alright initially until the lost world alert seeps in. Great. Fearing I'd be late for practical. I hopped down the bus paying 0 and hailed a taxi. Lesson learnt. Stick to the BTS or crazy cabby rides.

Ranting!!!

2010-04-27T16:47:00.002+08:00

27th April 2010

Life is unpredictable. Or it’s just me – a tiny pathetic single soul that never fails to exempt myself from bad luck. Is my life meant to be full of obstacles for some reason? Were they meant to make me stronger or wiser?

Rant 1: I should have done this course way earlier before I even reconsider to step foot back into the beauty industry. If I had done it way long time ago – things would definitely be different. Different in the sense, I may not be who I am now. You may not be reading this as well. And there’s another fantastic cake shop down the road that all of you would be more than willing spend your money on. *Hell yea – I’m being a little confident for this very minute*

Rant 2: Great – so to speak that everything happened for a reason. It wasn’t the same when I last visited this country; spending my free afternoon sweeping off clothing from the sales rack. Living here right now is a nightmare! I’ve decided to walk the road of flour and brave myself through the crazy riot period. May not be the best decision I’ve made so far – but voila! I get to complete my course in time. As expected; by December 2010 – I’m an official pâtissier .

Rant 3: Life is a bitch when you’re lonely. Well, I am kind of lonely right here. I miss bitching partner - mom, my dogs who don’t get my attention as much as my friends do and a few special people who makes my life complete – you definitely know who you are. I don’t have to finish off the big pack of rice which I take away for lunch!

Rant 4: I don’t freaking speak fluent Thai, which is why I can’t tell the hawker lady to put in less rice in order to avoid wastage. I can’t freaking scold the taxi driver for driving like a mad buffalo.
Rant 5: Visa visa visa! I managed to get my visa done in time before I fly my ass over. But I had so little information about it. I’ve got my visa already and I’ve burnt it for coming back last weekend without making a single entry or multiple entry visas along with my existing approved visa! Stupid stupid!! Now I’ve got to fly my ass back there between 30 days and get it done when the embassy is open. That would mean another freaking early morning & another freaking late afternoon to pick it up and they are not open on weekends!! Or better – I linger around long enough to get myself kicked out of this country for staying more than 90 days in 6 months time.

Rant 6: I’m a stingy hippo! Yes I am a stingy hippo and I don’t blame anyone but “me” for not renting a fantastic place that would probably burn a hole in my toes. I’d probably walk much less. Skip myself from riding the BTS or taxi.

Rant 7: Why is the bloody BTS closed today? I don’t mind walking in the morning but I’d definitely not do the same in the afternoon! It’s freaking hot.

Rant 8: Why wasn’t I informed of the change of schedule? I freaking missed one practical which was evidently my first! Idiot.

If I keep ranting like this, I’d die from heart failure.

Painlessly Immortal

2010-04-12T18:08:00.000+08:00

It felt like a decade since my last entry. There’s a reason behind it – I’m just too busy bustling with my life or I’ve grown out of the bitching cycle (absolutely never going to happen). How could I not bitch about things in my life? Blogging is my pleasurable past time and my blog is my confidante.

Fast forward - it’s been months since I last feel the need to write. I’ve been holding back on all my evil thoughts and let nature runs its evil course. Certainly; some of the situations were too hard to handle but luck was on my side with a few angels aid. Some were unexpected and blew me right on my head (I was dead for a minute and gathered my life back on the heart monitor). I wake up from this nasty nightmare and decide to move on with the other important things in my life because I’m dying by the minute (tick tock tick tock). Life is too short to dwell on one matter. If the matter disappoints you too much; work on the other matters that you could take control.

That’s how I learned to take control of my life. Having said so, I tend to face bumps and pots every day of my life. I’m a drama queen by nature and not by choice. For the past two months, my life has been a swing. And I’ve said goodbye to promises and disappointments. It only takes a certain amount of broken promises & disappointment to make you painlessly immortal. Once you’ve reach that stage; you’d know when to listen and believe. Remember the time when you last searched for an answer? You wanted to dig beneath the ugly sand and hope that truth would immerse. That is not going to be an issue once you’ve felt painlessly immortal.

Instead I was feeling the stress bag in me for the past week. I’ve had issues getting my documents ready for visa application. When it was ready and delivered; it didn’t come knocking on my door. When it finally did; I was worried if I had enough time to settle it before the long Thailand holiday. When I’ve finally sent it the documents at the embassy; I tried to collect it at the wrong time! Now that I’ve collected; I’d have to wonder if Thailand is safe enough for me to travel.

Damn! All that trouble just for one objective. I’m not even bothered with why I wanted this in the first place. It became my only dream and the one dream that I could definitely achieve. Other things in life come and go. This one would stay for sure.

Sorrow + Grief = BFF & Time is a bitch

2010-02-09T13:06:00.000+08:00

The best combination in that is life shattering = sorrow and grief. The emotional BFF (Best friends forever) that catches each other’s back no matter how far they are. But I could never say the same for my BFF. In reality, timing is a bitch not a fried. Emotions are clingy buddies that give no damn about the timing. They come as they wish and leave if we decide – that is if we are able to make them leave and feel unwelcome. Reality is; we don’t always win the struggle. At times, our body is too weak to put up a fight and we’d slip into depression.

Here’s what I think to comforting statements such as “Don’t worry, everything would fall in place. If there’s nothing we could do about it; we should not feel sad about it. There will always be a tomorrow; tomorrow would be a new day” – these are all craps and rubbish.

It’s stupid and pointless. The only thing that is useful is time. Yet, time is the bitch that wrecks us and saves us. I’m lost for words. I don’t know what to say. I have no words of wisdom. I just need to keep myself together.

No adacadabra or genie in a bottle

2010-01-21T19:22:00.000+08:00

It’s that feeling that gets my hair standing and feeling so worked up from any comments that is accidentally diverted against the reason of why my hair is standing. What the hell am I jabbering about? I’m beginning to sound like a delusional crack! Sigh; I need to get my emotions right.

I have a few reasons to be feeling upset. I felt that I have what it takes and now it’s just a little step from beyond and I’d be standing on the right spot. The right spot - that took me so many dumb paths and effort to discover. Yet; I felt so powerless and alone. Somehow life projects to me that everything comes in a pair. And I shouldn’t be going through this on a solo journey. But this is exactly how I am feeling right now.

I am disappointed with myself. Shame on me! I am guilty for wanting the extra human by my side to cover my demerits and walk me through my hardest days. The shame is on me for trying to make belief. The shame is on me for even wanting the help and attention.

Well, this is not new to me. It’s not an unfamiliar feeling. I just need to remind myself inside out. I tend to feel too comfortable and forget the rules of living. This is the first rule. Do not hope for anything. Who am I to even hope?

What a crazy world

2009-12-29T14:41:00.002+08:00

I do get the fact that life is a sum of many obstacles and absurdity. But what I don’t understand is; why would people choose to continue to suffer in silence and not voice out? Is it so difficult for us to understand that we, every single person on earth deserves the right to voice out our opinion and not just prolong the torture to continue by accepting that what we are going through is a fact?

So if our mother is a killer, does it mean we deserve to be killed? So if our dad is violent, does it mean we should deserve the pain from the torture? So if our son is the biggest commitment, does it mean we should stick around with a rotten husband?

What is too much and yet the fact? I don’t get it. What is too much or too little? Why don’t people understand that each and every of us deserves to be treated like human? We don’t go by the book of the filial son/ daughter or the loyal husband/wife! There isn’t such a rule.

What I do know is; if we love the person – we wouldn’t bear to see them suffer like this. This world is really made up of crazy lunatics. But the best part of it is; the perfectly sane ones keeps mingling and giving in to the bullies.

Have a piece of fruitcake

2009-12-09T21:52:00.000+08:00

The love towards cleanliness is a suffering when you’re living with a house full of debris and lazy bums. And if you have a mom like mine; you’d want to cry so hard that you could flood the house with tears and wish that it will carry away the unwanted materials in the house. I spend more than 2 hours packing the old clothing for charity. It’s not my clothing for Christ’s sake. It belongs to my mom. I don’t understand what is with her! She always keep things which she don’t need and brainwash her mentality believing that their grand children (none of the siblings are married, BTW!) would be able to use it, she kept the utensils thinking she’d make a turkey out of it, she would say one fine day she would make a cake (I’m sure she won’t do it because she is so reluctant to even cook!), keep the recipe for my confinement day and all to that I am still single!

Mom have dozens of old clothing which she kept for “some special” function. I asked her when, she’d say in future whose wedding or how. And when the time comes, she always asks the tailor to make her a new outfit. Pardon me; she’s been getting curvier by the day. My bad – for instance I spent a hundred and five ringgit on fruitcake (Marks & Spencer) this afternoon. We love fruitcake and it’s difficult for us to hunt a fruitcake containing alcohol. Mom’s been pretty stressed lately so I figured filling our tummies full would be a great way to cheer up.

I’ve been busy lately. Some of my friends would know what I’m up to. And trust me; I can’t wait to share what I’ve been up to. Bless me with great strength to continue in what I believe I could do.

I am me once more

2009-11-30T17:07:00.002+08:00

So many things happened lately and it made me realize how much I miss talking to one particular person. One person who may have her limitations but the lending ear is always there. The advice may not always work but the support is always heard. At the same time, I’m glad to know that I am supported by my best friends and what love could do. I’m thankful for one person; he was there for me no matter sun or rain. With him, I could always spill my heart and tell a fact which I want to share. It may sting him a little but he never said a word about it. Thank you for being there for me.

I’m defeated. In my entire life, I have no idea why I have to go through the path of broken promises and heart shattering cases. I guess; this is my destiny. For those who hates me would think I probably deserved it. Karma has yet to find its way with me. This is just the beginning and I thought I’ve seen most of it. But I’ve never braved anything like this.

I am judged for loving someone previously. I am judged for my actions which hold much immaturity and less sense compared to where I stand right now. Everyone has a past. Everyone has made mistakes. No one is saint (this is my tagline & also everyone is selfish to an extent). The only difference is; she knows who I am and has heard so much of my evil side but has never heard of the good things I’ve done. *Tiny voice saying “See, I told you!” - Rumors spread like deadly disease.

There is a little good in everyone. Their good may not be our liking but certainly there is. I’ve been going through waves of emotions and seen different faces. Has she heard of my compassion or would she prefer to believe I have a heart made of steel? Has she heard of my actions and filial towards the elderly? Or have I been simply just pretentious of my doings? Judgment is yet to come (when I die) but not now. This is not my time.

I’ve always told people that I don’t care what others think about me (People would roll their eyes upwards and say ya right!). Yes!! It’s right!! It’s not because it makes me sassy; it’s because I can’t stop them from thinking. Today, I felt enough of hiding and braved through my shell of “accuse me”. I had to tell them what they don’t know because they heard too much from one side. How could one judge with the evidence of not seeing it for themselves and rumors that came from people who were not involved? Crap, I call that. Let me tell you what I’ve done and then come judge me.

After having said and done. I’m relieved. Go ahead and think that I’m stubborn. Go ahead and think that I’m trying too hard to prove my innocence. Go ahead and think whatever that makes you happy. Go ahead and make yourself happy with the little thought that stabs you in the heart whenever you think of me! I’m not the one whom is suffering because I’ve said what makes me happy.

But if I managed to speak my heart and make lift your hatred against me; thank you. I’m pleased for just being able to spit what I had in me. That’s enough for my closure. Que sera sera, whatever will be- Will be.

My loss? Says who?!

2009-11-24T11:10:00.002+08:00

I don’t expect to be given the same amount of care and actions from people I care. When I care; I care unconditionally. But I am only human. Who can claim saint? For instance: I would make mistakes. I know it’s not right to hope for anything from anyone (even the ones you are closest with). I know that everyone stand on different grounds. I know that there would never be a balance of what you give in – is going to be what you get. I know that some actions would be able to display one’s care while some may not be very visible.

I know the rules of it. I do. And I pushed my button with a tiny expectation. My expectation seemed like tiny peanut from my point of view but a great football field in other’s view. I thought it was something so simple for almost anyone to cater. I assured myself that the favor I seek was within the person’s capability as long as they are willing to help. I forgot about the simple rule of not having hope and different grounds. I forgot that some people possess different approach in decision making. I foolishly forgot about the friendship guidelines!

Ouch! So does that mean that none of my friends have placed expectations on me? Does it mean that when they come to me for a favor; they don’t expect help? And they have never for once at all felt disappointed if I couldn’t lend my shoulder? Is that true? Only they would know better. Only those who really need a favor and was rejected right to their face for some “special” case reasons would feel the pinch. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t require a reason to feel the pinch. One rejection is lethal enough to wound the person. Should the rejecter charged guilty for rejecting? Nope. Is the hoper to be blamed for hoping? Nope.

We can never demand from a friend. We could just hope that the person would be able to help when we open our damn mouth and seek help politely. We also need to be ready that rejection comes in different ways. Lastly, we can’t claim to have helped if our friend politely asked for a cup of coffee but we buy them a coke (just because we weren’t willing to walk the extra mile for that cup of coffee). Never claim such insincere act as promise done or a task delivered.

Some say that they don’t believe in having best friends. They only believe in friends and everyone is equally treated the same. I believe in best friends and I try to spread my care equally towards their need, attitude and environment. I am; sometimes accused for treating either “best friends” better.

But now, I need to sit myself and question myself what is friendship all about. Someone hoped that I know what I am doing because I might be losing out on “the most” caring friend of all. Certainly I do. Every decision comes with consequences. Friendship requires giving and taking. I can’t be the only one walking the first step in breaking the walls. I don’t claim as “the most” caring friend of all, and who knows it may not be my loss.

You're my bestfriend, but i'm not yours

2009-11-21T11:28:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I don’t understand the world quite on my own and I need some guidance on what are principles, beliefs and priorities. They say everyone is unique on its own and yet most of them are encircled within the cliché of life. When we give our heart out to our friends; we give whole heartedly. When we help our friends; we do not expect help in return. Yes, that is true. I have practice this belief but how much can I help without needing help one day? What if one day I was down to the ruts and I needed help; who shall I turn to?

A friend in need is a friend indeed. What are the guidelines of a friend indeed? Some say that there is no such thing as a best friend. I used to think that a best friend is having someone to be there for you through thick and thin. Your best friend may not have the same opinion and possess the same attitude as you do hence the give and take of both sides. Yes, I maybe a difficult friend to have because I bite, I speak my mind with honesty and I possess the stronger opinion but I am always there for them when they really need me and I’ve never betrayed their trust.

Recently, I am very disappointed with the best friend issue. I know that everyone has different attitude and situations to face. I know that my best friends have put up with me as I have done for them. How can I not feel disappointed when the simple favor I asked for was rejected because my best friend’s partner disagrees to it? After all that has happened, I get the feeling that “You are my best friend, but I am not yours”.

Twin voices

2009-11-02T22:42:00.001+08:00

There is a little good and bad in everybody. Hence, the two voices will often collide against one another. My heart says something, my voice says it differently. They are never the same. The last time I said a major “Yes!” - It was just an answer from my mouth unfiltered by my heart. It was just a brain action. I didn’t regret having said so, but it took me quite some time to pick up the pieces.

No, it’s not about being secretive. I am never secretive with my feelings. But as the saying goes, some things are best left unsaid. Yet my heart controls my brain to think otherwise. “What if unspoken words do nothing but nothing?” Have you ever wanted something so badly that you wish you’d be able to just spit out the words and say how it should be done or what you really want. An ugly truth to the addition of realistic life is: Woman is often different species thinking on a different wavelength. Same fact as guys is never good at guessing and they never pick up the hints. In any life situations, it’s never about one solo warrior breaking the walls of certainties.

How do I convey a message without trying to sound too desperate of an issue? Should I write it upon my face? Hmmph! Guess all I have to do is make sure I pray hard enough that miracles happen. Fairytales are not just for kids. I love Disneyland. This magical and wondrous place never fails to make me whole again. *I’m oozing off the topic* Hoping maybe the next best thing to do. And if it don’t happen; I’d just do what they don’t show on TV. I’d crush my head open and put the pieces of the brain into a blender. Stuff it back into the skull; forget what disappointment feels like and move on.

I feel like a little girl pouting her lips over a candy. I wanted a candy and the shop is not open. Of course I don’t give a damn that it’s bad for my health. It spoils my tooth, gives me diabetes, accelerates my aging, or care much for the shop owner for whether he is sick or dead. I just want my candy!! I want that sweet melting thing in my mouth! It may only give me minutes of sweetness, minutes of satisfaction, minutes of indulgence and minutes of happiness. I want it so badly. This is bad addiction. When you’re hooked on the minutes; you’re never going back for anything else.

Learning to learn

2009-11-02T22:40:00.001+08:00

People always say everyday is a lesson; embrace the moment of experience and learning and you shall begin to see light in every different angle (even if it meant stranded in a dark lonely room). It’s been 10 days away from home and 2 days away from home; how very strange feeling. I hadn’t missed home a bit but I misses my mom dearly and not to mention – my little babies.

Accommodation was alright. The bed and pillows weren’t super cool and springy but I did manage to sleep my days through with minor shoulder ache. Food was never a problem, if I was ever hungry – I just need to take a stroll along the sidewalks and food pleasingly waits from the tiny hawkers. Every day is great indulgence when it comes to food. Explore and walk; try and why not – and you’re bound to feed on something new. I ditched the rules of eating; tried many new flavors which I normally won’t. But please be warned that it might end with a fat bill. Nothing is free, right?

Was I bored? No, not entirely. I do have lazy moments which involves sweet nothings and lazing in the room, performing rituals that I couldn’t live without – my life; my internet. Yes, I do miss that part of me. Having my friends around me and able to see them. Gossip and bitch about others; simple enjoyment.

It’s good to actually stay away from home. It makes me clear of what I want. I sit down and question my directions and how I’m able to achieve it. I weigh the consequences and I’m able to sort out the structure on what comes first. Although it seem idiotic to talk to myself while walking alone; it’s good. Imagine the shopping moments when I have to decide on what design, worth for the money and the struggles of carrying it all by myself! Pathetically fun.

Lesson of the day is: Independence comes to those who put their heart at what they want. Throwing the pro’s and con’s aside and head towards the goal. I felt like a puppy on the road filled with strangers but I was able to come back in one piece and got the information which I wanted. I felt proud of myself. I guess this is what they call; if you want it – you have to go for it. So if it only takes one person to achieve it; what am I waiting for?

In the name of love

2009-10-02T10:48:00.000+08:00

To put a comparison or measure towards the love would be a difficult task. It’s cliché; just like how they always ask “Who would you save first if your mother and wife both fell into the sea?” Rationally, I’d save whoever who doesn’t swim. Realistically, I’d save myself because I don’t know how to swim!

So, when your partner ask you “How much do you love me?” or “Do you think you love me more or I love you more?” – trust me you’re stepping on land mine. However, if you do feel that your partner loves you better and they don’t feel loved – maybe you should put more effort in your relationship. Everyone wants to feel wanted and appreciated. If you’re on the taking side; let your lid down and make your partner happy by giving.

Remember – nothing last forever; even if your partner loved you dearly. But if they don’t feel the balance; chances are they get sick and tired of hoping for your slice of love and walk out on you. Every time you feel the love; remind yourself never to take it for granted instead you should try giving back and keep the cycle running!

I just want to be alone

2009-09-23T00:46:00.001+08:00

Earlier, I was sharing with a friend on how torture it is, insecurities could torment one’s mind. And, how important it is for one to feel comfortable and utmost important; security. It’s always easy to say and harder to prove and I feel rotten for calling the kettle black. I do get these moments of insecurities.

As much as I’m feeling the importance; the fear is rising up my neck. I could hardly stand still and hold my mind together. I couldn’t think properly or act right; obviously I end up asking or thinking all the wrong issues that is not suppose to matter.

How could it not matter to me? It’s my faith and hope - I’m betting on. Which is also the only thing left of me that still hold my dignity and pride strong. Am I going to risk it? If I was given a chance; I will definitely not screw it upside down. Who am I to control it? I am of nothing.
Why do I think so much? I don’t know. Why do I keep asking the wrong questions? I don’t know. Why do I care? That I do know. What can I do about it? I’m not sure. I’m not too sure about what I could do or what I should be doing or how to make it better.

The root of the problem is my mind. It’s sending the wrong signals, wrong questions, wrong emotions and all wrong but nothing right! I’m not too sure of anything. Suddenly, I feel like running away. Far away from all the pressure I feel. Further from all the questions. Escape from my mixed emotions.

I don’t think I’m getting it right. The philosophy of the matter is far from what I’m able to conquer. I realized I’m not ready for this. I don’t even know what I am at times. I forgot who I am. Maybe, people forget who I am too. They mistook me for someone else.

I’m not feeling comfortable. I can’t think straight now. I’m really unsure about what’s next or further. It gives me the creep. As much as I want to know and make out of it; I’m holding back. I’m sorry; I don’t even know what’s wrong. Just leave and let me be.

11th September 2009

2009-09-12T13:38:00.000+08:00

Somehow they say life isn’t a bed of roses. True, indeed. It could be a bouquet of Calla Lilies! Honestly speaking, my hormones loves fluctuating and bites the best out of me on certain days; leaving me gloomy and be gone. Yesterday is one night I’d never forget. If I was ever on the brink of committing suicide (just joking), the memories of yesterday would certainly give me the “ummph” and lead me back on the track.

Honestly, I can’t seem to stop thanking my friends who were there for me last night. Indeed, this was my first attempt to pull off something so unplanned. I’ve never really planned and decided on a venue that caters for my friends, never decided on the menu on solo note, never wrapped thank you gifts and left it at the restaurant! My friends left empty handed – without my pretty sight wrapped aqua orange gift!

But I was really glad. The sight of my friends happily chatting away with one another, forking out on the food, playing with the mushrooms, having second helping with the bread and more was simply magical. One thing I must say is I’ve never had so many pictures taken in one night! I have my fingers crossed that all the pictures would look cute or alright. I’m aware that there’s some “too ugly to be cute” pictures taken by you people. Be nice, don’t post out the ones that would spoil my market okay?

Thank you. Thank you to those who wish me. Thank you to those who came. Thank you to those who went the extra mile – taking pictures and chaperoning. Thank you to you who designed the name tags (now at least I’m sure they remember each other’s name for a night) Thank you for buying the 2 lovely cakes which everyone enjoyed. Thank you to you who chose the right combination of cakes. Thank you for all the lovely presents – it came in different form. All were priceless and exquisite of choice. If I name it; I’d probably make others jealous. Thank you for those who make it the second round.

I realize the cake cutting and birthday wishing came in the wrong order. Guess what? I had it all when I had you all with me! Love ya guys!

Moment of Okay-mess

2009-09-10T22:45:00.000+08:00

It’s okay to let my heart out once in a while. Scream to my heart desires. Churn the meat out of a friend’s arm. Kick a car or two. Run like a lunatic. And what’s even worse is; I still feel the same shit! Now if you ask me what I’m thinking. The answer is crystal clear – nothing. I’m not quite able to put a finger on my thoughts right now. As a matter of fact, I should be really excited. I have a reason to be happy tomorrow because I have a bunch of friends to dine with. I should be happy on Saturday because I should be excited that Sunday is my birthday. Needless to mention; Sunday holds the fact of being happy too! Monday is a good day to be happy because I’d be off to Phuket till Wednesday. Thursday is the continuation of happiness because I’d be off to Bangkok till Sunday! Great, a list of happiness and what happens after 20th September 2009? Should I go fly some kites and catch a butterfly or two?

No, for all the reasons I should be happy. I am certainly not. What’s the big deal about something that comes in once in a year? It’s a yearly ritual till the day I die. What’s the big deal about travelling to places? Sitting on a plane is a pain in the ass. So where’s the deal in it?

It’s not okay to scream my lungs out. It’s not okay to churn the meat out of a friend because I slapped my knuckles red and arms heavy. It’s not okay to kick a car or two because I don’t want to pay for any damage. It’s not okay to run like a lunatic because women should perspire and not sweat! It’s not okay to feel like this. I don’t enjoy this at all. I don’t want to wake up having no ritual or having one aim and no results. I’m sick of my no rituals; fact it is becoming ritual for nothing! Damn! I want to sleep. I want to sleep so good that I wake up three days later to find myself alive. I’m not okay with this okay-mess.

Not tonight honey

2009-09-04T00:11:00.000+08:00

I’m not a pretty little present with a pink ribbon sitting on top of me. I may seem like one but I am simply not. And it’s true that all females have an ugly side to them. Most guys would refer it as unpleasant; I’d label myself obnoxious. When I’m having an ugly frame of mind; I can be really wicked. It is not relevant if I’m being reasoned for being insensitive. Women don’t need to be sensible and understanding when it comes to mood swing. Even certain guys possess an overflowing amount of female hormones.

If in any cases, your woman could only share the laughter and happiness but not the ugly moments; it’s a shame. Because guys just made it sounded like a “Not tonight dear, I’m having a headache”. Forgive me; I forgot that guys usually blame it on the stress and pressure. Then what’s the whole point about telling the opposite sex about “I don’t feel good now and I’m going to burst any moment?”

When woman don’t give a sign for acting unreasonable; they are blamed for being such a woman. And when they do give a sign or hint; they are reasoned with reasons that also blame them for not being understanding and sensible that THE MAN is having a rough day at work, feeling the pressure or disappointed.

So, it’s all about the happy thoughts and no ugly talks? Blabber blabber Blab!

Full mouth talking

2009-08-28T00:10:00.001+08:00

The rule of not talking when we eat is imparted in our knowledge since we were kids. And guess what? – It’s one of my biggest fond. I love talking with my mouth full; the better if the conversation was a meaningful one. Because I think I’m addicted to hunger; hungry for juicy conversation and tempting savories. Even the most palatable main course would be appetizing with great company and conversation. God bless the people whom I’ve had interesting conversations and dining with. They don’t fill up my time but they make my life much more meaningful. There is always something to look forward to and some advises to count on. Thank you.

Issshhh!!!

2009-08-25T13:54:00.001+08:00

Why? Why? Why? I kept asking myself. What is it that got to my fuse that I reacted with anger? I’m such a bitch! A bitch who doesn’t like her business clawed. So what if I’m full of vulgar? It’s my mouth that is spitting the words and not yours. But what you can control is; deaf yourself up. If you’ve got a string of issues; keep it to yourself. Damn!

What’s wrong with the things I wear that I have to prove myself nice and not naughty about? You don’t love someone for what they wear, do you? Seriously guys, if you have an issue with demanding expectations over what your girl can or can’t wear; go get a life. We are not born to meet such demands. Our silhouette belongs to nobody else but else. Enjoy the view and shut up in the back seat. Never make any comparison or remarks to us. We don’t need all that. If you’re worried or jealous about the whole fashion issue; get a girl that dresses in walking bandages. That should do the trick and cover all up.

Old Fashion Strawberry

2009-08-24T00:12:00.001+08:00

A guy’s confession: When he is touchy with a girl that means he likes/loves her. Now, that’s not unusual if the guy and the girl were in a relationship. It will definitely be awkward if they weren’t. I can see where it’s coming from. You like someone; you’d like to be physically close. Close enough to just feel the warmth of the other party.

Guys don’t lose out a cent when they are being touched. For girls, I think it’s a different story altogether. Do guys understand how important every inch of our body means to us? Maybe I’m just a little old fashioned. I’d like to save my skin for my guy and him only. I wouldn’t mind if it was skin sharing with my girlfriends or maybe just one guy friend of mine whom is like a sister to me.

Call me really old fashioned. I think it’s a pretty good way of self defense and a value that I place on my skin. I’m skin intolerant. It just feels like … Imagine this: I’m a pack of strawberries wrapped up in plastic sitting on a rack in the market, a guy comes up to me, picks me up, press me a little, sniffs me a little; puts me down and buy the pack of strawberries next to me! That’s exactly how I feel when guys whom are not my bf get too touchy.

I love strawberries but I don’t want to pick as one.

Same blood of different minds

2009-08-22T00:41:00.000+08:00

I’ve always been pretty strong on holding my principles and one all time simple rules I’d stick with is – “Never take what’s not yours and ask before you take it”. Just as simple as that but it is hardly applied between my siblings and me.

I came home and found out my red foldable teddy chair is conveniently sitting in my sister’s room. Before it was placed in her room, it was carefully wrapped with plastic (I didn’t want the dust to eat my teddy alive) sitting in the corner of my mother’s room. It’s not about the price of the teddy; it’s worthless compared to the sisterhood. I guess it’s the courtesy that I’ve been trying so hard for the past 20 years to drill in my sibling’s head. I questioned her why hadn’t she asked me before claiming it and her answer was simple “Because I’m not home yet”.

It is not difficult at all to wait upon and kindly ask for permission with belongings which don’t belong to us, isn’t it? Mom tried to comfort me with the other senses she made up from imagination. She assured me that I wouldn’t have reacted at all if I was giving this foldable teddy chair to a stranger out of sympathy; would I? Of course I wouldn’t be upset at all!

Or maybe I could place this situation at a different angle, maybe my sister didn’t really think it was a big deal for me because we are family. We should be sharing without question. So it sort of gave her the green light to just unwrap the teddy and placed it neatly in her room.

I’m not sure how should I digest this. It’s a conflict between family sharing and courtesy & respect for other’s belongings. I honestly don’t mind giving it to her knowing she needs it. Just a simple courtesy would be nice to make me feel respected as an individual.

Am I acting all too harsh on a 19 year old girl? Am I being too selfish or being such an individualist biatch? God knows. Conflicts can be a pain in the ass. When you stand, you feel it. When you sit, it just reminds you better of its existence. Pain – whether you’re taking it the highway or sideways.

Siblings … are like pimples.

Confidence in love

2009-08-20T11:07:00.001+08:00

I think it’s unfair to claim love for someone if you needed encouragements from that person. I’ve seen people love unconditionally without asking for anything; not even a simple encouragement. People who need exact encouragements should look into their confidence level instead. Loving someone and being in a relationship is two different issues that some people have to get their minds cleared although it may lead to the same conclusion of wanting to be with the person.

Loving someone is never easy. Sometimes we love so much that we often take the other for granted. And the other who loves us so much would be willing to forgive us over our silly little acts; but how long would they go forgiving? We can promise to change ourselves; but sometimes some of us are too stubborn to listen what’s for their own good. Yet, if no one should ever change themselves for another; guess we would have to dance changing partners until we find someone that makes us really comfortable. Even so, it’s not going to be perfect. So the whole changing drama; is a give and take process.

Loving someone is includes the responsibility towards the person. You don’t just claim to love someone, shower her with chocolates or romance and yet you’ve never done a single thing that plays security and responsibility. When the love becomes a worry rather than a love; it’s suffer.
I’m surprised some guys would act below their age and there is limitation on how far they could carry themselves. I feel sorry for them. This is the real world we are living in. We don’t get lucky all the time and I guess lessons would be much appreciated and armed us towards stronger mentality.

I think it’s weak to ask courage from the person you love. You love; you love with courage. If you think you’ve done your best and you are not loved in return. Hold your head up high and gracefully take a step behind.

Sisterly bonding

2009-08-19T00:33:00.002+08:00

Surprises not only come in little blue boxes but sometimes it’s the action that makes it inevitable. It’s been so long since I last had my bonding moment with my sister. Almost seem surreal but it did happen for a fact.

I’ve heard many versions of being the eldest but I’ve hardly heard anyone loath and wonder if they were doing it right for their siblings. At times; I couldn’t even answer it for some reason. I’ve been through my prime time where courage was never less, dreams were big and flowery and everything seemed so right accordingly.

Many of us have been there and done that. I guess; it’s only fair if we give a chance to our siblings to decide on where they’d want to go. We could always guide them, shelter them beneath our wings and love them unconditionally. I guess it’s an understanding that I always have to remind myself - advice given to siblings may not always sit in the right position but in time to come; they would understand where it came from.

Its fun to put things off the record and let our hair down because then we’d enjoy the better of our siblings.

New Age Hubbie

2009-08-13T00:31:00.000+08:00

We all learn something new every day. This very Wednesday I learned a few simple facts from my girlfriends’ hubbies.

Fact 1: People nowadays don’t understand what the damn a marriage is. They get married for some reason and request a divorce for the same reason.

Fact 2: Guys can go threaten their wife with the bliss of their marriage. That’s such coward act! If u dare put the bliss on the chopper board; so be it! Chop it!

Fact 3: Guys have no idea how difficult it is for a wife to work and scurry round the house working like a hamster. They think it’s a female nature to run everything round the clock? They should do our lingerie washing for us and we’ll see if they are that loud.

Fact 4: Guys expect to marry a wife that would make them proud; why don’t they go marry a maid instead? Make them sure proud of the efficiency of the household for probably the first 6 months? What’s next?

Fact 5: Guys can leash ugly words to their woman acting like a woman! It means excessive female hormones living in them. So ugly!

Fact 6: Guys can tell the woman they marry that their kid is only precious. Any harm done to the kid; is harm done to the marriage. What the fark is that?

Fact 7: Guys can do anything almost everything for whatever farking reason they believe in and the wife got it all wrong and stupid.

Real monster lies

2009-08-02T01:09:00.001+08:00

Everyone carries a dark persona in them and it’s scary how the darkness could take over the emotions of a person. I’ve got all the related experience with my dark side; the overflowing dirt rut emotions along with its best culprit – the tears. Yet the real deal towards this alter ego side of me is my positivity in me which is also the true demon that lies within my emotion. It is deep buried and it’s nasty when I’m positive. People would usually think that a person is ugly only when their angry, sad or emotional. I’d like to think myself ugly when I’m positive.

When all the sorrow and sadness washes away, my positive side lifts me up from waist down under. It heals me perfectly and leads me back on the journey. It pushes me further from where I’d want to be. It gives me bigger courage to believe in things I’d never thought I could accomplish and it doesn’t stop there. It keeps getting better and better. Now, that’s the scary part of me. That’s the monster I’m trying to hide myself from.

It’s not the tears that break me. It just gets me tired in terms of mental and physical. I’m tired – tired of having to be so positive and putting myself in the tiring process once in a blue moon. And it’s driving me crazy because I really don’t know when I would lose it. When?

Friday's deal

2009-07-18T01:31:00.001+08:00

Fridays are getting less exciting compared to a decade ago. Everyone says “Thank God it’s Friday” but Friday is no other special day to me. Friday is just like the every other day – whatever it’s suppose to be. If time could roll back like a roll of film, minus the 10 years ago – what would I be doing on a Friday night like this?

I’d probably be more appreciative of Fridays and weekends; I’d dance my night away, drink like there’s no tomorrow and still claim sober. Ten years fast forward and I’m not enjoying Fridays anymore. There’s no excuse for me to party as if there’s no tomorrow. The truth is; I don’t even dare think “tomorrow”. What’s the point of thinking when I’ve got so much lined up in my palm?

There’s no reason for me to look forward to weekend as I’ve got my weekday well spent; just like a bloody weekend. I’m dancing on the line between the greatest pleasure and measure. I’ve got the pleasure to spend every other day like a Friday, Saturday or a quiet Sunday. I’ve got so much time on my hand to measure up where it’s leading me.

Ten years fast forward and back, people around me looks different. They look weary and more grown out of their shell. People around me are either attached, getting more attached and a minimal group of them are detached. Most of my friends are surrounded by a different environment altogether. I’m not envious. But it makes me wonder -what life would be if I were standing in their shoes. I’ve came so far and gained so much but I’m still far from the “ritual” of others.

I’m starting to wonder if I’d ever get my ritual life like the others. I may seem like an insignificant dust in the air. But the insignificance would be significant for that ritual. I’m still waiting. How much more to go?

The dance

2009-07-08T15:56:00.001+08:00

Life is made such way that we could never dance a tango unpaired. It wouldn’t be tango if we could choose to dance in solitude. Often than not, I’d attempt to dance alone; and needless to say it’s just a forlorn attempt. The beauty of tango somehow resembles a relationship between one another. We lead and we follow within close embrace. It is close enough for comfort and yet spacious enough for one to breathe on its own. More beautiful than not; the dance is made up of variety. Embrace it!

Unlock the secret with the key in your heart

2009-06-27T01:30:00.001+08:00

Secrets are reserved if you imprison it.

How far could one go with the burden of the secrets?

If you had a secret, would you keep it confined within your heart?

Won’t your heart grow leaden and lifeless?

When would you end this torture of yours?

Unleash the secret in your heart and let your heart live once again.

Stop the struggle; for the key is just right there sitting next to your secret.

Unlock it and let it go.

Getting ugly

2009-06-24T01:19:00.001+08:00

When I first decided that I’d be walking through the doors of wisdom; working on group assignments on a solo basis wasn’t really what I’ve expected. Foolish as I am, I didn’t give it a second thought. After two freaking semesters, from cranky to laidback; am certainly glad that this is all coming to an end. This would be the very last subject and assignment I’ve to cope. I don’t expect distinction for this very subject as I hated it much. Just a pass would keep me smiling from side to side.

I know I’d be meeting more assholes and pricks. I just pray I’d bump into one or two human that makes my life so much easier. Some people who could comprehend and be as effective as I am. Did I make myself sound like a brag? Well guess what; take it with a pour of vinegar. I’ve no guilt about my loudness. If an old lady like me could bag it with results. You should really feel bad for yourself. I didn’t come this far to make life difficult for me.

What have I done to be working with pea brains? Sorry that it sounds offensive because it is supposed to sound like this.

You, me and a bunch of flies

2009-06-19T17:21:00.000+08:00

If lying is bad, is honesty always good? So does that mean that if someone did wrong but they were honest enough to tell us; then it’s all for good cause? Great, a lie can be such a bad move yet being honest could drill us deeper into hell. It’s just so fucking contradicting!

So, for everything we have done wrong is easily forgiven and forgotten just as long as we stand up to honesty for that one time? Honesty is the best policy and license against wrong or immoral deeds? Wow, this is something new. I do understand; my understanding or right and wrong might differ from one another. Morality does not differ; it’s build to combine the different nations and humanity all together.

There is always endless reasoning for something we have done. Then there is always the “other” person who managed to persuade us to try something we couldn’t afford to lose. Then there is “we should give everything a shot before we die” motto. Then there is the curiosity kills the cat bargain. Why can’t we just narrow it down to one damn truth? You wanted to try, you wanted to do it and you made the choice. So who or what is there to blame other than you?

I’m not trying to make honesty sound like a stupid move. I don’t mean that. The policy of life game is; everyone must understand that no one other than yourself could make you do anything in life. And for every decision you make, you have to stand up to the consequences for whether it was past or future.

Honesty is always appreciated. Morality is a nationwide issue. Acceptance is very personal. Statement of change might vary from one to another. Making choices is a lifetime cycle. Time is everything.

Shit & Flies

2009-06-09T18:37:00.000+08:00

Palmistry must be a genius to relate life as a pair of hands; one side of it reveals the given road that we will path and the other depends on one’s willpower to make it happen. It may sound contradicting, as life is a pile of shit and the flies around it - makes us wonder.

It depends on how every individual perceives. Some say it is natural for flies to be attracted to a pile of shit; after all that is nature. These people accept life as shitty as it is. Then they try to inject a little positivity to make life oh so wonderful! Or once they are used to it, it may not be so shitty after all.

Some would say flies are filthy and silly to be attracted to a pile of shit. After all its feces we are talking about! These people tend to forget the nature of life and dance the other way round to believe life is a bed of roses. So, when they hit their faces in a pile or two – they’d be so suffocated and it makes them want to die instantly.

If life is something that is given and yet something I could not take full control of; I’d like to place my full attention on something I could. No, it’s not love I’m talking about. It’s all about the money!! If money could make a man successful; it works wonder for the girls. If successful careers boost a man’s ego; it will balance the female hormones as well.

What I’m really saying is – females are not weaklings. As a matter of fact; it’s more than just equality. Females got the egg and guys got the sperm – equality. Females get pregnant; guys don’t! Dig it!!

Reason to live & pursue

2009-06-02T17:38:00.000+08:00

Three days ago, they still had him at the wedding. This morning, he passed on so quietly as if his mission was entirely done and over. It took me by surprise when my best friend called to reason me why she wouldn’t be having lunch with me.

Her father in law passed away, I was told. I don’t think it would draw heavy impact towards my girlfriend but I’m more concerned for her husband. Some say death is a blessing and some say death is misery for the ones whom are still living.

This incident reminded me that I should stop dwelling on the little issues that wouldn’t make my life any better. I focused too much on the hurtful events that wouldn’t bring me nearer towards happiness. I focused too much on trying to reason out with myself.

But, that shouldn’t be the case. Life is way too short. I’d like to focus on finding the better one and giving my best to cherish the moments with him. Instead of dwelling, I should lift my chins up and hope for a better tomorrow.

Life is too short to just go on being afraid and not giving hope and faith just because we were once victims of love. We were equally given a fair span of time to earn the love we deserve and not count on the times our heart was shattered.

The path to finding lifetime happiness is never easy. The difference a day makes is; I’d be able to stop pondering on the negativity and start focusing on possibilities.

Freed from owning

2009-05-27T17:06:00.001+08:00

I’ve had enough of you and I’m glad now that someone else is willing to take you.

Yes, we do possess a fair share of issues and ugliness but it doesn’t privilege you with such abuses.

Gone were the days of sorrow drinking and park shadows.

It’s the beginning of the days that are filled with blissful thinking and rainbows.

So go, unleash that collar for I’m no longer your owner.

You weren’t the best for me.

But you’ve definitely brought out the best in me.

Sorry is the last thing you will ever hear me saying.

You would only find me viciously waiting because your tears are the price that you’d be paying.

Who & What?

2009-05-27T01:05:00.000+08:00

Who am I, I’ve often questioned. Most people would naturally think they are WHAT they are. What exactly are they? I don’t get it. Naturally, I’d like to believe we are just a blank piece of canvas. It may come in assorted colors for all I know. The colors do not differentiate WHAT we are, but it’s the content of the canvas that tells us from one another. Why are we WHAT we think we are?

In our deepest conscience, at utmost unawareness; we are who we THINK we are. And for what we think, we believe and we become who we ARE. All of us do not realize how often we are all the same; like a piece of blank canvas. But we walk different paths and roads that intersect our development thus becoming “someone” else.

I told a friend of mine how loyal I believe myself to be. How foolish of me when I mentioned the word loyalty. It was totally corrupted and beyond. Who am I to judge I’d be damn loyal for the rest of my life? I’m nowhere near to my death bed; there’s no way I could answer the certainty. But I’d want to believe I could. So here I am struggling in between – I want to believe I could do it and I am really like that.

I’ve seen too many and known too much. I’m just addressing my merits and demerits on this ugly evening. My name is just a label. My personality is just the mixed scenario all clamped in one. I am just someone whom is trying to be who I think I’d want to be and not who I am.

The existence of void

2009-05-25T15:53:00.004+08:00

The void in the heart is often a listing of unreachable facts. These facts are made factual and would not differ in any situation. The void in the heart is a hollow hole that drills in deeper than what naked eyes could view. The depth of the void sinks our heart with sad illusions with ultimate darkness. Tears that taste of salt are merely an expression of my void.

The existence before the void was fulfilling. The existence keeps me calm and often secure. No matter how hard the wind blows; I am bound to be sheltered. All that has to be done is watching the angry wind hush by; I hear the wind but I do not feel the wind against my skin. I am within existence’s protection.

Now, I am still in one piece. Existence no longer exists and is replaced with void. I used to feel so down under when I believed in existence. Yet, the feeling of down under has made not much difference now that void has filled my heart and life.

I used to taste the expression of hollowness and I believed it would all go away when I stopped believing. Now I finally realize that tasting the expression of void is ten times down under from belief.

Poor gayz, Material babez

2009-05-20T23:54:00.001+08:00

It’s one of those great big Wednesdays! I woke up wide eyed and stunned from my dream and the only sorrow is; I could vaguely remember what the dream was all about. Perhaps it has something to do with money or love and the simply little tatter things that matters. I’m disregarding it with intentions. I’ve spent 8 hours dreaming and I don’t want to dread myself through another nightmare trying to recalling what the dream was all about.

I prattled with my mom over lunch and told her life is too damn short. I don’t want to waste it worrying over tiny stuffs that might matter to others; but not equivalent to me. I find myself worrying too much about financial lately. I’m trying to nab a job. A part time job that would support me with little does of security although it may not make my ends meet. A little security is better than none! And so I said, since I don’t have a man. I should have a job!

I discussed with a guy last night over the net. What’s with love and man and money? Why do women always stir the different ingredients into one single cup? Does it make a better beverage? Why? In my point of view, I simply feel if it wasn’t the balance mixture – the beverage would turn out disgusting. Why would I need a cup of coffee when I could just live with green tea? Same thinking applies to, why would I need a man when I could survive and depend on myself? What’s the issue so darn big about love? Is it really that important?

I guess I mixed the whole issue of love and money and man altogether. If we see it from issue to issue; guess it doesn’t create any bigger issues. But then it jumbles up like a pile of shit when all the other small tiny issues stick on the main issue! Oh rat! What am I ranting about?

I just don’t get it. What’s so wrong about woman complaining the love and money and man should be mutually equal? It’s always the guys who earn lesser income complains a woman for being materialistic just because she wanted better future, more bags, more clothing and more bullshit. Then it’s always the stupid idiot who works from 9am-9pm over 24/7 complains these women for wanting too much of their time and love and they want these women to cut off some slacks! So there’s no balance in it, obviously.

Where’s the balance? Ever read the book – Rich dad and Poor dad? Well, I haven’t. I reckon it’s the same with stingy guys and materialistic babes. It’s just different perception, opinions, wants and needs that we are living on. Who is there to judge what’s right or wrong? If you think you can’t live with the options given; go get another option. I’ve heard a fair share of guys complaining women are getting more materialistic nowadays? Have the guys been hitting on the wrong category? Perhaps these women were brainy enough to earn their dimes; why would they want to settle for something less than who they are?
I’m not trying to sound really cruel and slap you with the facts of cruelty. There’s still a portion of beings on this earth that lives in fairy tale beliefs. It just takes a little time to find that someone who fulfills your requirement.

I’ve been trotting quarter of the globe learning how to identify what I need in a relationship, what I want in a man, ask myself what I could offer as his other half and guess what? I’m still searching for the answers. I’m not perfect I am well aware of that. I’m just looking for that comfortable spot where I could stay and not get out of it. It’s that feeling of comfort and security. Of course, it’s short written because so much more elaboration needs to be done.

Have I said enough? Urrrrrzz

Loving the Drama Queen in me!

2009-05-14T00:13:00.002+08:00

It’s just one of those nights where I come home pondering and wondering how people around me made my life such a drama. Sometimes, people around me might wonder if I was saying a certain event for the sake of saying it; well I have witness for my daily reality events. And to such extend, these events were so dramatic that I couldn’t keep count of how many bullshits I’ve stepped in, how many crazy people I’ve virtually bumped into, how many countless idiots who broke my heart (I’ve been an idiot myself too) and how many friends have wronged me and yet I forgive them.

Life is a stage. This is the second or probably third time I’ve mentioned this. I guess it’s written over some of my old entries at my other blog. Life is truly a stage. It is the appreciations of these fine moments that makes us stronger and humor us when we are no longer affected by it.

In fact, they were good people in ugly shells that threw our day off with a spat of shit. I wonder if I sound a little crazy on the dot that in fact I appreciate and am glad to have these people around me. They made my history just a little more dramatic than the others. I’m not just some girl off the block with a set of pathetic same old boring events that relapse over the time.

It’s the different people I meet throughout my breathing moments. Crazy, unexpected, nice, sweet, loyal – you name it! The list gets better than spices and condiments!

I love you all and I’ve hated the ones enough to love them as well. I tend to forgive and never forget to bring them out on my table of gossips to humor myself of the bad old days I’ve been through. I love those who love me still and yet struggle so badly to continue loving me. I’m no perfect sane. What the hell exactly is love? Damn the definition. If I say I love you, it means I do. Even when I don’t mention it, it doesn’t mean I don’t. Live with that fact. Thanks everyone. You guys made my life so farking dramatic that I could even publish a fascinating story out of it. For one minute, I truly enjoy life.

Threads of little blues and pinks

2009-05-12T16:27:00.001+08:00

What if there were little threads of blue and pink tied on our tiny toes that binds our fate together and each and every one of us are all connected to one another. You and I, she and the others; we were all connected to one another in some special ways.

And we were fated to bump into each other’s lives and leave strands of connection as we pass by. But were we fated but not meant to be? We crossed roads that knot our fate together and we leave memories of our face and names. We loved each other and then we leave one another unloved. As we comfort our lonely heart, we leave it cold for someone else to come and warmth it with love.

Threads of destiny are not always love meant to be. Love - maybe ill fated. The fate is the one thing that is meant and yet not. It leaves as it comes. And my heart is left to cold wonderings whether our tiny strings is still attached; wondering if we are finally free from one another.

The insight of beauty

2009-04-28T15:56:00.003+08:00

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This statement has always been consistently true. Little did we notice that not only beauty depends on the eye of the beholder; beauty itself surrounds us insignificantly. We are all blinded by the nature of humanity that beauty itself attracts us physically and mentally. Some of us may not agree to this; well I guess those are the ones whom are still living in the contradiction of humanity. Beauty may or may not be something that we could see vividly. It may be the presence of beauty that draws us mentally to a person or an object. They say the looks did not matter; it’s the essence of the heart that does the trick. The essence of the heart is a representation of beauty.

There may be a lot of different people out there but beauty is a unity of the world’s contradiction.

Even babies knew

2009-04-27T07:15:00.005+08:00

We all hate the idea of an end.

We all loved the idea of a perfect ending.

Baby Jared was given coconut nato yesterday afternoon and he kept it in his mouth; unwilling to chew it because he simply wanted the best things to stay.

So do I.

Bits in spaces

2009-04-22T02:12:00.005+08:00

If you’ve been living in the same old cube for the past decade; what would you have done? Well, I decided that the same old room was just way too enough for me hence I tried to revamp it a little. Not that it’s going any good because I had fixed fixtures in my room. I am still trying very hard to make a difference out of the fixed.

I hadn’t been getting enough of spaces. My mom questioned if I bought the Malaysia and fit it in my little room; in fact, I’ve got the whole 27 years living in that tiny room of mine. You should be admiring my skills for keeping every neat and tidy into bits and pieces. There are no crumbs; so no ants would be able to squeeze in that tiny room of mine.

I’ve got three nail clippers which I clearly liked using the Hello Kitty clipper while I’m home, the pink clipper - I keep it in my make up box (just in case I didn’t want to scratch that good looking bloke I just bumped into) and the last boring clipper sits in the white plastic box wondering when it’s his turn (yeah, all my nail clippers are male and I use them when I want to!)

I’ve got name tags from my yester-schooling years. I’ve got my library card with me (I pretty don’t need all that) but it has loads of sentiment. It’s small yet it takes up a lot of space. It’s the cluster of rubbish that I keep with me; I guess.

I’ve got bags. I wouldn’t mention how many. Well I don’t have a proper place for it. I’d love to display it like some branded couture. But I can’t because I don’t have a maid to clean the dust for me. So I keep it all back in their boxes which needless to mention; takes up a lot of space.
Tiny-tiny stuffs in our lives takes up so much space. I’m beginning to wonder if I’d ever get a home to fit in all those stuff. D

Did I mention I’ve luggage my piles of books and CD? God!

Boys and their toys

2009-04-18T13:11:00.001+08:00

Thought of the day: I’d like to be a baby or kid forever because they could play with different toys and it’s totally cool for them to get bored with their toys. But the adults like us, have to stick with one partner till death do us part! That’s so very sad. After much thinking, it finally dawn me why guys are referred as kids or babies – because some of them can’t live with one toy!

A bullet for love

2009-04-17T02:24:00.003+08:00

What is left today makes tomorrow. I’ve got to admit that this draft of mine was left untouched weeks ago. Tonight, I’m just feeling a little itchy on the fingers that I’m going to combine one of too many thoughts altogether and make it sound like a piece of blog.

When I first wrote this draft, I was driving through rain after a great lunch and a romantic comedy. Two days ago, I watched another romantic flick. But this recent movie hits reality on my brain. I watched “He’s just not into you”. I thought it would be something funnier. A little lighter on the reality notes; and wasn’t I impressed and bored at the same time?

I’ve never watched a movie that made all the girls went “AwwwWww” loud and clear in the cinema. And the guys clapped their hands so loudly (at the end of the movie) that made it seemed like a bloody concert.

Anyway, love is made up of everything. This particular movie has got some points in it that reminds me how stupid female would be at times. Believing whatever our girlfriend comforts us. Yeah, it’s great to have girlfriends but comforts are always comforting yet not the truth. What is lust and love? Some people have no idea how to differentiate it. What’s with the pussy? Or is it the brain? LOL! And some guys have no idea what responsibility is all about. They all say the same pity reason; she made me marry her. What the fart was that about? Could anyone in the world force you to do something without a gun in your head? Even with that gun; I’d rather die than marry someone I don’t love.

My word of advice: Better to love less than to live in sorrow.

And if you’re one of them – you might want to shoot yourself dead right now. It was definitely the stupidest mistake ever yet one you got to live with until you decide you’re dead. Good luck.

Inked parenting

2009-03-26T13:08:00.004+08:00

Parenting is a task that gives us unexpected surprises when we wouldn’t want it. At the age of 21, I went home feeling pride with ink on my body. One week after that I invested in new interest that I explored further with piercing and I felt superb about it.

Back then, people would question if I’d ever regret for having done this. I was certain that I wouldn’t. And I told them no. However, many would say; maybe you when you get older - you would. That didn’t stop me from getting further; I was totally addicted to the buzzing sound and the numbness of my skin. One month after my first inked, I invested on my second artistic piece.

I’ve always wanted support from my mom. But she was never supportive about it. She said tattoos were meant for bad girls or bad mentality, or even if it wasn’t someone with a bad trade; she said the tattoos were not natural and then she starts talking like some typical superstitious lady. And the list of why she doesn’t like tattoos is lengthier in comparison with the Great Wall of China. So, when I did my tattoos; I said nothing about it. And when she found out; she could only oblige to it.

It’s been 7-8 years since I had my body inked and I do question myself every now and then if I ever regret having my body inked. The answer is still no. I’ve passed my conscience. But will I successfully pass it when I have kids of my own? Would I be able to accept it, if my kid whines for a tattoo?

Too much ink can look hideous. But how much is too much? I’m still looking forward for my third inking session and god knows when that would be knowingly my mom hates the idea of it. And now that I’m older; would I choose to be “old enough to do whatever I want” or “care for my mother’s feeling”?

Who is meant for me?

2009-03-07T09:18:00.002+08:00

It’s 6.24am and I’m drafting my blog entry with my cell phone (don’t you just love the privilege of phone blogging?) I get to stay in bed nicely covered under my duvet and accompanied 5 of my masculine pillows (darn right, I have five of them).

It’s been an awful night. My mind is has definitely overworked and exhausted. I’ve been thinking so much that I couldn’t think straight at all. There were many questions going through my head. Everything seemed to link together. And all the issues slumped together as if they belong to one great mother. What is it? What is the problem?

I think it has something to do with love. I find myself trying and having difficulties drawing my mentality out of that dark hole. I read a book last night, there was this part that stated something like this (I’m not looking at the book so I rewrite in my own words in how I gathered)
“When you’ve grown attached to someone in a relationship, compliments from other people won’t be able to lift much of your spirits; but the person you love could easily brighten your day with something simple”. Alas, how very true and well said.

I need some time before I could pick up myself and move forward. There was just too much of everything. There were the happy memories, the anger and questions of why it didn’t work out like I wanted it to be. I could feel myself turning into a book (Men are from Mars and women from Venus, starting over) I feel relatively like a walking book. I’m not acting like what the book teaches; I do feel certain words could describe my feeling now.

What makes my previous relationship so saddening? Well, I’ve got no say to that. I bet everyone would hurt the same when they just broke up. (Just is a matter of saying; does not state the time reference). And it makes me question why have I been meeting the wrong guys? Was it like a test so it gets me prepared for the right one? Or it’s just there to make me fussier from where I am and end up being alone? Crappy, I definitely don’t want to be alone.

There have been people around me. People who want to love me for who I am. People think they love me. Do they really know the meaning of love? (I felt like I’ve been cut, sliced and placed into a slow pressure cooker). If you really loved someone, would you force the person to make a decision and be with you? Let’s just face it this way, you’re not confident about how things would work out and you demand for a straight answer. I’d say if someone really loves me, the person would be there for me; giving me his best and asking for no return (perhaps the person has never even thought I’d say yes to him).

Am I asking for too much? Is time really what we are lacking of these days? Do I really have to jump into conclusions with all those sparks and end up trying to figure who the hell is my partner and go through the bloody cycle of one being unresponsive – break up and weep at a corner? You may think that I’m the right girl for you; how sure are you that you’re right for me?

Is there no guy whom would understand what is it like to really be friends and ask yourself if this girl is right for you? Are all the guys blinded with first impression, physical and nothing else? When it comes to a relationship; there are many issues I’d look into. I’d slowly look into what I can accept and what I can’t. I’ve been through enough that I don’t want to waste my time believing that people will change for better. (It easier said than done. When I was with present ex, I find myself so totally in love that I kept wasting my time believing that he could change; how naïve of me).

What am I looking for? At this very moment, being so defeated in love; I have totally no idea what I’m looking for. I just keep my eyes open so I could determine what is right and wrong for me.

I still believe in communication. I’d want someone whom could listen to my ranting, understand why I’m having mood swings and could be able to converse anything under the sun with a sincere heart (I don’t need those guys trying to date and pretend as if they are really interested in my conversation). I don’t hope to be with someone who keeps everything at his heart because I find it truly difficult to understand what he is thinking and I may repeat the same mistake and trigger the time bomb in him.

I believe in love. Loving someone is a great act. It takes a lot to fully give out to the person and not asking anything in return. I don’t need some guy trying to impress me with actions and words with a straight heart just because he wants me to be his girl. I’d rather stick with my best friends. They would treat me good and love me with a sincere heart. It would be a bonus if my “partner” would is my best friend.

I don’t like being pressured. I’d rather say things and make the person leave if they start pressuring me. In the first place if they do pressure me; they are not right for me.

The fattening tooth

2009-03-06T12:21:00.001+08:00

I went all out on food last night because I was feeling distressed that the surgery is held today and I might not have the chance to bite on my favorite food; least for the whole of next week. I do admit that the action I took was rather absurd but it was quite a fulfilling challenge. I woke up with a hungry mouth, hungry tummy and eyes; ate almost everything I saw. I love the feeling of giving myself an excuse to go fat for a day! It’s such a pleasure.

But I was totally taken aback that it was quite a pleasant surgery compared to my previous one. I was practically slit on my neck when I paid for my previous surgery. It took longer minutes, he was too careful and slow. I was lying with my mouth open for more than 45 minutes; my jaws were complaining madly then! This time around, it was rather fast. The dentist screwed on my tooth a little; I could practically hear it going apart and lucky I didn’t feel a thing because I asked him to double the anesthesia. Before I realized, both my wisdom tooth were removed from my gums and my face had the slightest swell! I’m up and running with my favorite Iced Green Tea Latte from Starbucks. YeaH!

I’ve already decided on getting braces and I would make an appointment for it when I come back from Europe. This is surely going to be exciting. One question: does girls with braces able to perform oral sex? LOL!

You you YOU!

2009-03-03T01:05:00.002+08:00

Your ears would tickle when you hear me talking to you even if i'm miles away.
You'd make it easier when my life gets hard.
You'd build me a fire when my toes are blue and freezing.
You'd dance with me when I feel anger in my veins.
You'd bring me flowers and tell me the flowers looks better on my hair rather in a bouquet. You'd never complain that the water runs too hot, we'd cuddle in the tub till our bodies prune. You'd look at me and tell me it's alright when I make mistakes.
You'd hold my hand till it runs old and wrinkly.
You'd hold me together when I fall fragile and lost.
You'd remember to shower me with lovey dovey and only me.
You'd back me up when I get bullied.
You'd listen to my ranting when I've got no one to turn to.
You'd never hurt me in the most silliest ways.
You'd love me because you know I'm worth loving.

You would have my mind and together we would stay strong for one reason: To be happily in love.

After all, we only have one lifetime together and it would never be enough. I'd identify you this way.

Pushing the love for balance

2009-02-26T01:13:00.002+08:00

If I could go through time; I’d stop the milk from spilling. I’m in deep thoughts right now. It just felt as if my mind was beset by questions. I’m trying to figure what’s in my head. Something is bugging me; which I clearly am aware but unsure.

I’m listening to kisses and cake right now; a song from the movie PS: I Love You. I’m dreaming of Ireland. I’ve never been to Ireland but my instinct tells me I’d love it. My thoughts are riding in circles. A friend of mine wrote an article about his life; how it all went from great to “convince me it’s great” roller coaster ride. He talked about the changes of his career, the stated how he felt; he was upfront with this recent relationship that went from butterflies churning in his tummy to butters that made him sick.

Most importantly, he mentioned about how his recent girlfriend made EX complained about how he blended his anxiety for career with his relationship. It gets to me that some guys bring their “work” home along with their emotions! It also proves the stereotype statement of females being the more emotional pity wrong! Damn wrong! Females would rant and rant and continue ranting till they feel better. Guys would rather feel sorry and put their loved ones out of the picture?

I just don’t get it. Talking about how sorry one would feel after they have pushed their loved one out of the picture wouldn’t earn them any sympathy. Duh! If guys were definite better when it comes to handling emotional issues; I think there is still a long way of proving before it becomes a fact.

Do i look like your freaking mom?

2009-02-24T23:51:00.003+08:00

Of recent, my hormones have been reacting strangely. I’ve been experiencing motherhood. When I see babies, I waved to them as if they have any idea of what I’m doing. When I see toddlers, I come up with some scary facial expression; so they could pee in their diapers. What I wasn’t looking forward to; is placing my attention upon a bunch of kids. A kid according to my term is just a label with heaps of insult to teenager who tries too hard to be “A KID”.

A mother’s role is definitely not a simple task; especially when I’ve never been exposed to all this chaperoning, nagging and spoon feeding role. This whole experience has been deeply upsetting for me. I don’t want to wake up every morning and start my nagging roles. I don’t want to be cursing the whole morning to ignite your passion to work on your own assignments! Yeah, you read it right! ASSignments!

I don’t get it. Why would some of these kids go so far to impress their parents? (According to most kids, they do it for the sake of their parents and meanwhile the parents pay for the sake of their kids) How contradicting. Parents, could you for once just let them do whatever your child wants to do?

Kids, you know it doesn’t really matter if you’re doing it out of good heart or force. I don’t really give a damn! But, try not to make life so difficult for others. You can drown yourself with bubbles of death. Just keep a distance and that would be good enough.

Hush hush

2009-02-18T00:36:00.001+08:00

I learn something new every day. Sometimes I learn a new trick to solve my problem. Other times, I learn new techniques to make my life less ritual. Last night, I learned that it could be quite a loss if we spoke words right from the bottom of our hearts. I’ve always been a simple person; too simple that people find it difficult. If I say once; don’t expect I’d repeat myself. If I wanted this; it wouldn’t mean otherwise unless it was something I couldn’t speak up.

It is the wise ones that listens and understands what the others are thinking of. It is the quiet ones that often make things seemed a little more confusing than normal. If we all kept quiet and placed a shield before ourselves; wouldn’t each of us own two shadows? And which shadow should we refer to when as our true self? Doesn’t it sound a little more confusing that it should?

Humans as all of us are; is complicated in our own unique ways. Shouldn’t we try to differ ourselves from sitting onions that is best at making people tear?

When love doesn't

2009-02-07T02:01:00.006+08:00

If love doesn't make you whole

It breaks you into half

If love wasn't right in the first place

It leads you to your grave

If love makes you wonder what you did wrong

That was the last thing that should be right

If love makes your life a walking misery

It would be better off deleting him off your memory

If love makes you wonder why

Perhaps it's just the wrong guy

Twice a fool, once too many

2009-01-25T10:09:00.004+08:00

I’ve been made a fool; not once but twice by you. I was made a fool when you closed the door at my face. You locked me out from your thoughts and made sure I had no chance of coming back. You had your reasons and beliefs. How could you claim your love to me and believed it was all for my good? How could you even dare to hurt someone you love as deeply as you claimed? Why did you tear when I cried? In case you didn’t notice, the show is over. You can save your act for someone else.

I was a fool made the second time. I should have run away and shut you out of my life completely. But I was stupid enough to let you hurt me so deeply once again. How could you act as if nothing happened? How could you just come back and pretended like it was nothing?

I was made a fool twice. But I’m never going to be a fool again.

Feeling very gay today

2009-01-22T11:23:00.003+08:00

I have to admit that assignments "do" drive me crazy. But there is this exceptional one, my current research paper that I'm writing; drove my need to rot at the bookstore and read up on relevant information. I hate it and love it at the same time!

What's more fun to start your day than this? I woke up, brunched, smart casualed my way out and here I am! Writing my blog, drinking my favorite cup of iced green tea latte, accompanied by 3 books of sexual abuse, surrounded by incredible view, sunlight from the top and most of all; I'm in a great mood today. So, I'd try very hard to keep my mood grooving.

Chinese new year is four days away. Honestly, I'm not feeling the excitement. I'm not exicted about munching on all those CNY cookies nor the red little packets that elderly gives because the senior citizen never stops asking "When are you getting married and give me some red packets for a change." Crazy old people!

No words

2009-01-19T14:20:00.003+08:00

No words could explain how i'm feeling right now.

No words could retrieve the actions that i've imposed.

No words could change the fact that it has already happened.

No words could turn back time.

No words could stop the pain inside of me.

No words could mend a broken heart.

No words could make you mine.

No words could make you stay forever.

The impact of words could do so much and yet so little.

A tale of a tale

2009-01-19T00:04:00.002+08:00

Do you remember how it feels when one hill collapse on you and the other hits you off your feet? Well that’s exactly what how I feel at times. It’s unexplainable because it’s not my call to figure things out. The harder I dig my hand into those sand, it swallows me faster than I expect; it’s quick sand. Have you ever watched the “love guru” movie? It’s annoyingly amusing and pathetically humorous except that don’t happen when I watch my version of the “love guru”. I have a mentor at home. I’ve known her for all my life (I’m being a little secretive about my age lately) and she never stops teaching me with her tales and examples.

It draws to a point whereby I’m totally unsure of what is going to happen next or why is this happening. It would take a lot of time to figure out, but if it involves someone’s explanation; guess the only to find out is be patience and let it reveal. If it doesn’t; it doesn’t draw any sense trying so hard to figure out.

If everything in life is a game. Hence, the only game I’d play is how to make sure I get to the other end with minimal hassle. It’s obvious by now that the only ball I have in hand could pin down my future. So, I’m waiting to strike! My foundation semester is ending in no time; I’ve got to start my survey ready! This time, I’m getting my degree!

Certainty

2009-01-16T00:09:00.002+08:00

Who am I trying to fool if I said I was certain that I was going to do this whilst partially contradicting with a certain action? Who am I trying to deceive? No one but myself; I guess. I’m certain this time of the year. *correction* this stage of my life that I’m very clear headed of what I am going to do.

I am not going to listen to you even if you keep murmuring at the corner of my mind. I am not giving you any chances to lure me in that devilish fatal state you give. I am going to get over you. First and foremost; I never believed you but I had the tendency to fall back in your arms. This is not going to happen anymore. Even if you gave me that pathetic face of pity! I will hit the gym and make myself so healthy and I don’t want you in my life anymore!! You know what you are, you bad thing!

Broken skull means stupidity

2009-01-14T23:07:00.004+08:00

I’ve been tagged by the assumption virus lately. The judges around me have been assuming too much in which I do not find least comfortable with. Assumptions; where does it lead one person? It just gets to my nerves when I listen too much, unsure if I should just slap the sarcastic remark over those judges (people who judge a lot can be newly termed as a judge); or should I patiently sit and play listen patient.

It is fully assured that I’ve been listening lots. Listening to every word the saint judges say. Listening to every single explanation you’ve got under your tongue. Trust me; I am really sick of those slurping sounds that your tongue and mouth seemed to phrase. Give me a break, will you?

Just for one minute, could you please step out of my sight? I’m a bit tired of your face. Tired of the things you’re repeating and saying. Tired of how you’re trying so hard to act like a real judge with hair like Santa and a ‘do’ from the Victorian ages. Perhaps you might want to consider wearing a dress and a corset and amuse me till I cry with humor.

If you hadn’t got anything better to do. Wash away your sense, find the nearest wall and hit the head of yours till the warm oozing juices flow out of your brain. Let the reddish warmth clean your senses. May you break your skull with that hit and let the air and oxygen clear your mind for a lifetime.

My god bless you and may you bleed with grace.

Very different this time around

2009-01-12T13:35:00.003+08:00

It’s still ringing in my head. The statement that was so clear and direct. Have I been someone independent who chose to be dependent? If it was clearly the case then it’s all going to change in time. In time to come, I’ll depend on nobody else but me.

I’m impressed with my progress. I’ve been moving so fast that I hadn’t been thinking back. I guess this is all for good cause. I thought I’ve always been clear of what I wanted. But it’s clearly true that I hadn’t been going about to achieve it. This time around things would clearly change for sure. I am going to achieve it within my means.

I am surely a different person this time. It maybe a scary change but who knows it might just be another lesson in my life before I realize. For the time being, I’d just enjoy being different!

Others as my eye

2009-01-06T00:44:00.003+08:00

It takes other's dilemma to finally bring me to my senses.

I didn't tear tonight!! God, I'm such a strong girl now.

I'm happy with my development.

What is my destiny?

2009-01-05T13:29:00.002+08:00

Whenever I stumble upon an obstacle, I often ask myself the same question; what have I been doing to be so blinded not to see it coming? Then the second answer comes in, and the third and multiple; so many that I couldn’t even answer. I slept so little last night; feeling sick and sorry for myself. Eventually so my brain switched off on its own and I woke up 3 hours later to repeat the sorry cycle as I’m back in reality.

I woke up eyes clouded with the tears that wet my pillow last night feeling angry and tormented that this has happened to me. For one moment, I was drilling in blame that I hadn’t done good enough. The next moment, anger and hatred took over my sensibility. I wanted to hurt the person who pained me. I wanted the person to taste the bitterness and sadness I was swallowing unwillingly.

All sorts of scenes of revenge were playing tricks with my mind. It felt good for a minute. It felt stupid if I had really done it. What’s done can never be undone. Remember those playful times everyone had a share of when they were younger? They make a mistake and say apologize. All is forgiven and happiness fills the air. I wished I could unwind the reality that has hit me. I blamed myself hoping I could make a difference.

People tell us every pain makes us stronger. Time heal us. A mistake teaches us something new. How very true. But it makes us ambivalent. I woke up and learned so much this morning. I lend a hearing ear to a girlfriend of mine who wanted to rant. I gave her a piece of my mind. I was surprised by what I told her because it relates to me the same.

There is always a little conscience in the corner of our heart that reminds us what’s right and what’s not. We often know the answer and yet stubbornly forced against the nature. Some of us are lucky to make it to the other end while others go through the pain cycle of wonder and questions, comfort and advises and lastly time and healing.

I learned every time I fall. Coincidentally, I fell so badly this time that I don’t see myself running for the time being. I’d want to take my sweet time to walk. Find the pleasure in walking as we often forget while we are running.

It’s a difficult period for me. I have exams in pending. I have a destiny to fulfill. I'm not sure what's next. Just certain that this obstacle is not the last. I have to continue moving to find my destiny.

2008 Ending

2008-12-30T12:07:00.001+08:00

It’s the 30th of December. Only one day remains and the next day it’s a hopeful new year. I’m attending a wedding dinner tomorrow night; a cousin’s wedding. What a big letdown that I have to force myself to attend it! Because I know I wouldn’t have enough time to drive and hit the happening places, drink a little and shout out in the sky “Goodbye 2008, get out of my face!”

2008 has been a good year. I’ve got exceptionally many presents along the entire year. I’ve been loved. But I hadn’t been treating myself the way I should be. I wasn’t focus enough on things, issues and stuffs. My Irish friend told me that this life is the real deal. It tickles to find someone who agrees with the previous statement.

This life is the real deal. Every single year ticks away; some of us just find reason to party within our friends. For me, it’s like an alarm! Ticking away to remind me that “Hey, don’t go wasting your time!” I’ve already wasted a few years of mine. I know what I want right now and I’ve got to set my focus so I could earn it by the next 3-4 years? Although it may not sound too entirely chirpy; but I’m pretty positive about earning it.

As the year is ending, I would like to apologize to those which I may have hurt previously. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you felt the tinge of bitterness. I’m thankful for those who stayed with me and supported me so far. I’m thankful for those who came into my life and brighten it with a little hearty torch of yours.

And most of all, I want you all to have a better year ahead than mine. If I’m having a ballistic great year ahead; I’d want you all to have a double fun of mine! Happy new year people!!

When the night falls ..

2008-12-28T23:41:00.003+08:00

When my shadow leaves me; emotional eats me.

I do not recognize myself.

My mind turns blank.

My thoughts locked within deep ponder.

Can I stop all these madness?

One hell of a Christmas Dinner!

2008-12-26T01:44:00.004+08:00

The great 2008 is finally coming to an end in less than a week. And to be more precise; its 6 days and counting. It’s usually the time of the year when people start writing up on their yearly resolutions and stuffs. I’m having a long break from the usual studying ritual; it feels really good. But I still get the lag from the heavy assignments and exams that are in pending, wicked isn’t it?
I had one hell of a night. It’s Christmas day and I played mommy’s little girl character. I booked in at a high notch restaurant. Rushed my way to get the right gift for mom as I know she’s dying to collect a set out of the Sapphire stones. Went home, showered and made up nicely for this event. Drove through the rain and made it in time.

We were allocated at the bar while our table prepared. Mom had no idea that I was going to surprise her with gifts. Yeah, all she did was pre complained about how few presents she received from me this year.

Dinner was served efficiently. The waiters and waitress were extremely courteous. I would say they do deserve shining stars for their effort. Even my bag was placed on a low stool. We were seated at the table with the best view of all; the centerpiece was sitting right in front of us. Food came in with no delay despite the restaurant was fully booked. We were chatting happily while half engrossed with the 9 course Christmas set.

The presents were served carefully after the desserts on a edible Christmas tree. Funny part was, mom did not realize her presents were sitting on the tree despite the hints of the waitress. Well then, when she noticed it; for a moment she thought it was complimentary gifts from the hotel! How very cute my mom was!! But she was indeed happy. I’ve never seen her looked so amused and happy at the same time.

The bill was pricey but it wall all worthwhile. I had the greatest Christmas experience ever!

Larger than life itself

2008-12-21T01:05:00.002+08:00

It’s just one of those nights that I’d want to place my thoughts. My day started with the usual flu killer, junked on tidbits, took an afternoon nap and woke to jump start my afternoon at One U with “Delicious” brownies with vanilla ice cream, an almond chicken salad and a 3 cheese toasted sandwich. I don’t normally skip my desserts and down the tidbits but it’s just one of “the” afternoons. Whenever I’m down with flu, I would eat out my heart’s desire even if it adds on the pounds. It doesn’t work even if I had just taken my medications because my body heals better with junks and desserts.

I watched Yes Man today. First, I was a little doubtful about the whole Jim Carey persona. I’ve never really liked him. His jokes were dry. His usual expressions were always stupid. And I was right, it was stupid but I laughed hard at this movie. Somehow, it was a different.

Tonight is not so much about the food I had or the movie I watched. It wasn’t about the company I was with or hanging out at Solaris Mont Kiara. It’s just one of the nights that kept me thinking and yearning for more. The desire is burning within. I have the tendency of yearning. I’m looking for something bigger and larger in life; so enormous that I ponder over my ability of achieving it. It’s never enough and it’s eating me alive.

I’m burning for more of everything. The greed is eating in me. I feel literally stupid and I’m going against it. I need to be patience to achieve it. No matter how hard it is, nothing is going to stop me.

A dollop of sugar, a spoonful of lemon.

2008-12-11T01:33:00.002+08:00

Have you ever had one of those “not again” emotions stirring, when you go through your emails and find another 100 of those junk mails that are quietly anticipating for that ritual “delete” moment?

Only to realize, even if you deleted it now; it creeps back into your mailbox repetitively. I’m feeling it right now. This feeling of mine does not relate to any emails or anything physical. It’s purely mental.

I’ve been bumping into people today. These people remind me of an unanswered question. Perhaps I should say; questions. Deep down inside, I know, I shouldn’t be even pondering over the questions. It’s something I don’t need to question. I’m not entitled to it.

It’s funny. I wonder if people question themselves when they would bump into me. Would you go like “I know Mio comes here often, is she possibly here?” or would you prefer to “I wonder what Mio is up to now; she living her life well?”

Year 2006: My ex of 4 years came back to me once telling me how important I am to him; is now married with his “then” existing girlfriend. He went through water and oil to get in touch with me. Caught me by attention, told me how he thinks I’m the right candidate to be his wife; asked me to wait for him while he deals with his current girlfriend and then married his girlfriend.

What a joke! The first lightning that struck me in the head made me question his loyalty. I used to be damn confident with all my selection of EX boyfriends. They weren’t the most handsome guys on earth but they were the finest selection in my eyes (then). I trusted them to be loyal and they would never ever take a glimpse of another girl (even if they were naked). But I was wrong. In fact, my first EX of 4 years came to me like a lost child crying while he sucks on his happy lollypop.

I’m not angry at him nor am I jealous of his marriage. I just felt a sour tinge that he made the right decision for not choosing me. Well, he didn’t get me pregnant in the first place to marry me! *Giggles*

I love my life!! I love it a lot! Could I request for another dollop of sugar?

The undying love for you

2008-12-05T23:38:00.003+08:00

When someone leaves us; there are many questions left unanswered. Some of us would wonder if we were any important to them; others would stand in grief mixture with anger. We are angry at why good people come to an end when it’s most unexpected. We wonder why there are so many decisions in life yet this is the one thing we can’t decide on.

When we are in love and our loved one leaves us; we hate them for doing so. We are often blinded by anger and we forget to appreciate the simple tokens and cherishing moments that passed by. As a matter of fact, none of us could change the fact that grief could sting us so badly that we wished it never happened.

We don’t want to believe that it’s true; it would be better off meant as an April fool’s joke. The magic numbers that we often took for granted would no longer reach us to the person we want to speak with. The numbers would be etched in our hearts and so will their voice. The yearning would not stop there.

There’s just too much grief in this week; more than what I could handle. I’m emotional and indestructible. I’m complicated and unexplainable. I put on a happy smile with a torn heart. I’m tormented with death. As much as I’d want to let go; I’m still learning how to move on. Leave the memories alive and keep the grief at bay.

If God really exist; can I request to be blessed by the day so I’d be stronger and stronger to learn, live and let go.

Let's flock away!

2008-12-02T22:11:00.000+08:00

Birds of the same feather flock together. This phrase only applies to the birds, right? I, as a well known selfish little girl, could never bring myself forward to compare with other female sapiens. It’s not fair to them. Most of all, it’s not FAIR TO ME! Don’t call me a bitch. I’ve pre stated the obvious selfishness in me. What? You say what?

Looking back at the years, I realized I’ve been a guy’s kind of girl hence not many girlfriends around me. But I’ve got a handful of precious gems. Plus I’m a multi super choosy person when it comes to friendship. I don’t make allowance for any Tom, Mary or Jane to enter my life as a friend. Some of my net friends, felt the pinch if I label them as some “stranger”. I’m not apologetic; though it’s not my mother’s way of teaching. Perhaps “friends” has never been a common word stated in my dictionary.

I am truly friendly but I don’t believe in “Wow, it’s been so long!” or “I won’t see you to the door” kind of friends. It’s all about quality and not quantity. I won’t mention names, but looking at my flock of girls; none of them possess similar characteristics. I wonder how we ended up being great friends of support. I truly thank them for being my jewel. Having them around is like wearing a distinct one carat diamond on my finger. Heavy, showing and priceless! Now I know why diamonds are girl’s best friend!

As I was saying, I couldn’t really point my finger on how birds of the same feather flock together. My girls and I are divergent. We don’t come from the same mother bird. Funny, we could flock like no tomorrow! If you’ve got a great friend, don’t be stupid and lose him/her. Be the best diamond you could ever be and shine!

My little babies.. and i love them soo much

2008-12-02T01:24:00.006+08:00

Ta Da!! One big family!!

Mun mun whispers to Man Man "Ssshshh what is mommy doing?"

Monster sit's straight and pose!

Man man looks sheepish.. he must have done something notti!

Monster says it's a licking good time with mommy!

We are often blinded by what we want to believe

2008-11-18T00:02:00.004+08:00

It was not within my intention that I had to glue my attention to finish this movie tonight. Sad, but it’s a fact that I’ve got a summary to write up and there isn’t a way I could cough the values of this movie without paying attention to it. So, there I was; spending my evening on the bed with a movie running smoothly in my laptop.

My friend was kind enough to drop information on the movie. He said it was a slow movie and assumingly thinks I wouldn’t enjoy it. He also told me it’s a meaningful one, based on a true story and I might start flooding my room while I’m halfway through the movie.

The fact is, I did not tear even a bit. I got to admit it’s a good movie. Well, when you’ve got actors like Will Smith on the list; it wouldn’t be that bad. The end of the story was a bitsy little touching. I find the movie very uplifting like lemon in a glass of coke. The movie tells a story of determination and love. Unfortunately, it also tells a story of how love between adults, falls apart. In this movie, the so called “leading” actress walked out on the actor’s life – simply because she could not stand another day of suffering. Now that’s what some of us would agree to: No money, no love.

Wasn’t love supposed to stand the test of all? What have gotten into the actress’s head?
What happened to the “for better or worse”? Well, life is not made of a bed of roses. After watching the movie, I was really curious how on earth Chris Gardner looks like, so I googled his name and I read up on Wikipedia. Guess what? I read more than the movie, which is definite.

The actual fact- he cheated on his first wife. The movie – she left him because she couldn’t take another day of poverty. It’s just so magical how we could play with “truth”. The truth is what we believe in. Anything can be true. Got it?

We shall love like there is no tomorrow

2008-11-16T15:28:00.002+08:00

It is evident when love comes to an end it is usually the person who is hanging in the air feels worse than dying. Cruel ending and letting go for those who have to give up love unwillingly is more than any mortal could bear. Where had gone wrong in the first place? Was it unappreciated love? Love tormented because someone else came into the relationship? Or did realization come in just a little too late?

Love breaks people and tortures our emotions to the bits. This is a fact, for any mortal who feels; and it is bound to kill you. It kills you not once but as long as we live. Now who says a cat lives nine lives? Humans live more than nine lives. We love and die. Gradually we live again to love and die once love leaves us. The cycle is repeatable.

I witnessed a two year relationship came to an end that fateful night. The girl moved on long before the guy realizes it was the end. Who was to blame? No one should be pointed the finger at. Love is something we cannot measure with faults and doings. If love does not roll like a rolling stone, moss gathers and covers the actuality of it.

It was a heartbreaking moment. Empathy fills me as I watched the poor man sheds tear for the woman he loved so dearly. His tears reminded me the values of loving someone. We shall not love when it’s awfully too late. We should practice every day reminders as token of appreciation. It’s not that hard to walk up to the person we love and say “I love you”. We shall cherish the moments when we are together and not let simple things gets into our anger. We shall understand that we are only human and there is limitation between reality and fantasy. We shall love with everything and not let regret gets to us till our last breathing moment.

Love is simple if we always remind ourselves.

The real deal behind my bang cock trip

2008-11-11T12:18:00.007+08:00

5th Nov 08 - The flight is at 10.20pm. I was dead tired prior I attended class earlier during the day. Was stressed because I forgot to bring the very important Baths with me! Luckily my gf was able to borrow some money from her other friends. This trip I knew only of one person, the other 8 were strangers to me. At least they seem pretty nice on first glance although we didn't talk much. Arrived at 12++ am Msia time, checked in at hotel and grab supper at 7-11. At 3am, I'm finally given chance to doze off.

6th Nov 08 - Someone out of the group decided on the day tour. Woke up bloody early bout 7am. Boring day tour to Chao Praya River because i've been there before during 2005 for dinner (Romantic dinner, Lol). During the tour, we paid and watched some snake show. I nearly freaked when one of the jumping snake was jumping towards me! The coconut ice cream I had was great but expensive for that little scoop. After the day tour, we made bee line towards Central World to meet up with the Ravin & Supit. After a quick McD pork burger, we were picked up by a van to view the famous and illegal TIGER show! RArWWeERRr..!! I hate that part where they old man and the gal made love. It was so meaningless and nothing like the erotic or porns I've watched. For the first time, i realise that it is definitely mood killing to see someone having sex on a podium. Well, the show was eye opening if you've never watched it. Well i've never, so it was kind of good. I was impressed with those girls playing tricks with their privates. You would gasp like I did when you see how the lady pulled shaving blades out of her P****y. After the show, we went back to the hotel and I slept like a baby..

7th Nov 08 - Made way to Pattaya. We were suppose to stay there for a night. It was totally cruel and killing. Reached Pattaya late afternoon, rushed to Walking Street area for lunch. Walked a bit. Got back to the Bungalow (Navin Inn) and changed for beach. There wasn't much left coz it's getting dark. All the others reckon it's a must to at least flaunt the bikini or their 6 packs so we ride on Banana Boats and Jet Ski. That covered a good 45 minutes and we head back to the Bungalow for shower. Had dinner (the food was only so so) rushed for Tiffany Show. Watched for an hour. Took pictures with the Tiffany girls and bee back to the bungalow. The rooms were insufficient for the 10 of us. We had to cramp like scramble eggs on a plate. The a/c in those rooms were cold and way too cold for any human. The house was humid! Even my clothes felt soggy!! Imagine that! Instead of cramping like a can of sardin, i slept on a bench for one bloody night. Paid $41 for one night of bench slapping and discomfort. What a waste!

8th Nov 08 - Drove back to Bkk, arrived early noon and headed to Ja tu Jak. It was heaven because i loved the variety they have there. It rained. That was the disturbing part. Took skytrain to Central world to meet up with Suvi. Had dinner with Suvi, Joy, Beatrice, Blake + Paul and Justin. After dinner, Suvi drove me to my hotel and waited for me to shower up. Then everything changed .. Suvi brought me to the State Tower! It was lovely. The scene was beautiful and we did lot's of cam whoring. When it was 1.30am, we left.

9th Nov 08 - More shopping at Platinum wholesales and Ja Tu Jak for more grabs. But zillions thanks to Justin again, he stopped me from buying almost everything saying it's expensive. We ditched the others and trottled our way and adventures on our own. Because the others wanted shopping at the malls. Justin is pretty much broke and I'm the loaded one so I've got a say of where to go. The weather seemed better compared to yesterday, it wasn't raining as a matter of fact it was breezy. We stopped by the park before we left for the station. Night fall, I had a hair wash and Justin had a hair cut at Good Idea Salon near our hotel. Nu came and picked us up for dinner. We went to Siam Square, had a lovely meal (it was Nu's belated birthday) and went to Hard Rock Cafe for goodies. Lastly, it was a spin at chinatown. Snap snap and supported some illegal activities by feeding the baby elephant on the street and ZzZzz back to the hotel.

10th Nov 08 - Wanted to head for massage, but thanks to someone. We woke up pretty late. Didn't have the time to do so. Took the train headed to Sala Daeng, sat tuk tuk to a nearby temple and did some shots. Met up with Suvimol and Putt at Sala Daeng. Suvi brought us to a nice rest with great food reviews! The food was delicious! After that .. time for our flight home! The flight got delayed. And when we were nearly landing, i felt nausea for the first time after so many years of airflight!! Damn the turbulence and .. the pilot!! ^%*&*((*(%^$%

11th-13th Nov 08 - Great news I've been ill and purging and vomiting and nearly dying for the past few days.

From a seed to a bloom

2008-10-24T10:48:00.004+08:00

I thought I'd be sour about the whole damn past.

I thought I'd be scurrying if I bumped into you.

I thought it will be a haunting memory.

I thought I would never heal.

I thought it was the biggest mistake.

I thought I'd never be the same.

But I want to thank you.

You made me stronger.

Stronger than I imagine.

Now you're my past.

So am I.

Our lives still moving.

And when I don't feel the pain.

I know something must have gone right.

I've got my closure from our past.

We are two individuals.

Trying hard to survive.

And living to the fullest.